love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
goodness gracious, 2 weeks have passed since my last post and i have no idea where to begin.
first off, i’m amazed that A created something so precious and perfect. i find myself staring at her like, “are you really ours? is this really real?” and then i think of all the anxiety and stress that the preceding months brought and i realize it was all for nothing. so far, none of my fears and worries have come to fruition. we are just settling into this family-thing in a way that feels natural. i love my wife even more. our bond is so very strong and that in and of itself is miraculous.
having little A shifts so many other things as well. i actually don’t mind waking up in the middle of the night to change diapers (mostly my job ) though we’ll see how i feel about that when i have to go back to work. i feel much more of a disconnect with work. it doesnt seem to be *the* defining thing for me. frankly, i barely think about it which is a 180 from where i was a year ago.. all-consumed with work and having anxiety attacks every fucking week. now, i view having 4 uninterrupted hours of sleep as a great luxury. i feel like i can conquer the world when i get that. i also have less tolerance for bullshit. believe it or not, IRL i’m very much a people-pleaser. i’d rather smooth things over and hope that everyone is happy afterwards. but now, i feel very much like bette in the final episode of the L word… dont f*ck with my family and i’m not about to sit back and let anyone hurt them. that has been tested in a few different ways (the birth, the inlaws, random strangers and their rude ass comments..)
in a way, little A’s birth has been a rebirth for myself as well. i feel so inspired to return to things that were meaningful to me (buddhism, reading, moving, eating *slightly* better) and have little tolerance for things that take away from that. i don’t feel stuck in the trap of depression anymore. i’m even seriously considering jumping back on the ttc bandwagon, though when i do, it may be less public and it will be straight to ivf.
i know this post is very disjointed and may only make sense to me. but just a little glimpse of where my head is right now.