divine words

As I was reading this evening, I came across this beautiful gem.

From Eat, Pray, Love

I look at the Augusteum, and I think that perhaps my life has not actually been so chaotic, after all. It is merely this world that is chaotic, bring changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated. The Augusteum warns me not to get attached to any obsolete ideas about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve. Yesterday I might have been a glorious monument to somebody, true enough– but tomorrow i could be a fireworks depository. Even in the Eternal City, says the silent Augusteum, one must always be prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation.

So much wisdom in those words that I needed to hear tonight. God, I hear you.

a smiley already!

Warning ahead. There’s going to be a LOT of ttc talk in the coming days (months) so brace yourself.

I’ve been instructed to do my opks daily so that my RE can monitory my ovulation days. According to most OPK directions, you’re supposed to use FMU (first morning urine) and wait until the second line is as dark as the reference line. Because I’ve been around the e-block a few times, I know that it’s best to retest throughout the day, because the hormone in your urine builds up throughout the day or that you may surge later in the day. Since the egg is only good for about 24 hours, it’s important to get the timing as close as possible because frozen sperm doesn’t last as long as fresh.

So over the past 3 days, my OPK has been getting darker and this mornings was as pretty close as I thought it would get. I took the digital OPK this afternoon and got my smiley already! I need to call the RE to see if their other office is open today or if I should just go in first thing in the morning. Dildo cam (or transvaginal ultrasound if you want to be technical about it), here I come!

I’m realizing that I need to update my acronym list.

the good and the bad

I have had so much going on this past week! I’m going to try to be succinct because if not, you’ll be reading forever.

The Good

I had my appointment with the RE this past Monday and I’m back in the saddle, sort of. The plan is that she’s using this cycle to establish my baseline (ovulation day, lining measurements, folly measurements). I’m also doing a repeat HSG to verify blockage (though I’m praying that they aren’t). If necessary, I’ll proceed to tubal canalization unless my new insurance kicks in, at which point I’ll try IVF. After this cycle, I’m going to do the Clomid challenge to see my FSH (I think…) levels with meds.

To say I’m excited is an understatement. Thursday was CD10 and I had an early morning ultrasound to see my folly size. It was at 12mm. I’m doing OPKs to monitor ovulation, then I go back when I get my surge to verify ovulation and all that jazz.

The Bad

LA’s childcare situation is very precarious. When I started working again in August, we started using a friend of a friend to sit for her. I’m going to call the sitter V and my friend R. V was/is dating R’s brother and is a very good mom. We’ve been extremely pleased with the level of care that LA gets and they treat LA like family. LA also loves going over there and asks for V and her son over the weekend because she truly loves it over there. She even calls V’s boyfriend “dada” b/c V’s son does. Mind you, she doesnt call US mama or mommy yet (though she can say it).

Well V called me Thursday night and I missed the call. She called me two more times Friday morning around 6:30 am and I missed those too. It rang again when were in the car and it came through my stereo b/c my cell is synced through bluetooth. That’s when I noticed all the missed calls. It was V saying that there was a situation with the boyfriend and she was no longer living there, but that she was at her mom’s across the street and she would watch LA there. Cool, no problem. I’ve met a lot of V’s family already and they are really sweet and LOVE LA too. They are constantly giving her V’s niece’s clothes that she grows out of (LA is at a 24 month/2T now.. yikes) and V’s nephew is a week younger than LA. Because it was last minute, I didn’t go inside, but just left LA with V. I also told her that I would pick LA up early since she obviously had a lot going on with whatever happened with her and the boyfriend.

I go later to pick up LA and see the new environment first hand. V and her 3 kids, the mom, the brother and sister in law and their 2 kids (ages 2 and 10 months). All this in a cluttered one bedroom apartment. The brother and sister and kids don’t live there, but are there every Friday. To say that it was less than ideal is an understatement. LA loved all the “activity” going on but had only napped 20 minutes all day because she was just overstimulated. V asked me if it was okay that she continued watching LA there until she was able to save up and get her own place. I was okay with that initially because I felt really bad about the situation. V is very neat and meticulous and I know that it killed her to have to return to her mom with her kids. But of course mama instinct kicked in later and I just had this nagging feeling that this wasn’t going to work. Regardless of how bad I feel for her, especially because we’re her only income, I can’t feel comfortable with LA in that environment. Not only does she need space, she can’t be around all that stuff. It’s too easy for her to hurt herself, pull something down, or put something in her mouth.

A and I talked and we agreed that we need to put LA in daycare immediately. The catch to that is that I’m in class 2 evenings a week, which means that A would have to pick LA up. In Manhattan, there are no daycares that we’re comfortable with that are open early enough for us (7 am) and close late enough for us (6:30pm), so she’ll have to go to daycare in NJ where I work. But A rides public transportation and it will take her up to an hour on the 2 trains (subways) she’ll have to take to pick LA up. She says she’s okay with it because right now it takes her 2 subways and 45 minutes to pick up LA but I just feel bad.

We’re waiting to hear back from one place on Monday and I have another place to call as well. I’m asking for your prayers and well wishes that we’ll be able to get LA into a place we are comfortable with THIS WEEK and that I find the right words to use to end our care with V…

new widget

I figured out how to create a widget where you all can keep the questions coming. Check the picture and link to the left called “Ask me anything.” I’ll be answering the questions there so make sure you check frequently to ask or view responses to the questions.

I double dare you

This article is awesome. Free recreational activity in the recession. Plus, it can be done solo too.

Enjoy!

your answers

Thank you everyone for asking away! I think I’m going to put a widget on the sidebar so that questions can continue to come.

Here are all your answers, and I’m going to do my best to answer in the order I received them and as honestly as I can.

1) What do you appreciate most about where you live now versus your last location? I love that in NYC there’s no such thing as being “weird” or “different” because soo many people are so that it’s the norm. I appreciate not having to worry about potential backlash should my employers or students find out that I’m gay (which they do know). I love the great diversity in things to do and eat. I love my university and appreciate being able to attend the #2 school for education.

2) How do you think your daughter growing up there would be different versus your last location? We are still aren’t settled about where we will live after grad school for both of us is done. If LA were to grow up here, we know that she won’t be the only child of lgbt parents nor will she be the only one (or of few) from a non-christian home. Of course, there are lgbt non-christian families everywhere, but it’s been my experience that tended to be more closeted/private depending on the location. However, a downside to LA growing up here is that she may be exposed to way too many things way too soon. She won’t have that neighborhood experience of growing up in a smaller community.

3) Whats on your ipod right now? I just got done listening to my southern rap station on pandora. So a lot of Lil Wayne, DJ Khaled, and some TI for good measure

4) When your wife got pregnant last year, did you have any pangs of jealousy or resentment towards her since you were both trying to get pregnant? How did you work through your feelings? I felt a lot of things. Angry that I couldn’t get pregnant. Like a failure, like I was broken. Guilty because I somehow felt it was my fault. I would feel upset that A wasn’t enjoying pregnancy because I felt I would have if I had been pregnant. I felt like it was unfair sometimes that she got pregnant and I couldnt. Strangely, stopping the ttc journey helped me a lot with those feelings. I was able to concentrate on A’s pregnancy instead of wondering if this was the month that I would be pregnant, etc. It was no walk in the park, especially because there’s little information out there for non-bio moms, but once LA got here it really helped resolve a lot of feelings for me.

5) Do you think you will ever move back to Texas, or are you in NY for good? I really, really, REALLY miss Texas and don’t believe that NY will be it for us. I’m trying hard to distinguish if I miss Texas due to pure nostalgia or if I feel that Texas would be genuinely best for our family. I’m very much torn and wish I had blogged more about my feelings about Texas while I was there so that I could read them to remember why I wanted to leave.

6) you may have answered this already and this seems pretty stressful but what is driving you to have another child now while attending school…grad school at that? Do you worry that the stress of doing this may cause stress on your relationships? Actually, I’m not sure if I answered it directly so I’ll be happy to here. I feel emotionally that now is a good time for me to ttc. I had NOT been ready for the past year, and then having LA while working, going to school and A dealing with her stuff (not sure if she’s blogged about it so I’ll respect her privacy) was more than stressful. Thankfully, I feel that we are in a good routine and A’s been addressing a LOT of her stuff, and I’ve been confronting a lot of mine. So all of these balls in the air has taught me to be super efficient. Plus, realistically, it’s rather unlikely that I’ll conceive right away. Even if I did, a baby wouldn’t be here until early 2011 at which point time I’ll be in my last 2 classes of grad school. Going through all of this has allowed us to be closer and right now, we are making a more concerted effort to put the “lover” part back in our relationship because it’s super easy to let that fall by the wayside, not just due to parenting but because of life, period. Having children has always been a goal of ours, and A didn’t want to push having more because of my own issues with infertility. I think we are in a better place emotionally so this is a good thing.

7) When is Spice night?..lol Gia, is that you????? Girl, just say the word! Me and LA are home alone next Saturday afternoon so let me know if that works for you.

8) after you graduate with your masters degree, what do you plan on doing career-wise? There are 3 main things that I’m thinking of. 1) I’ve always wanted to be a school administrator, either working in just one school or working for a school system. My knew knowledge of sociopolitical factors in student success coupled with my almost 10 years (yikes!) of teaching experience really will help me have some important effects on a school/district. 2) I’m falling in love with education research and wouldn’t mind doing more of that, especially working with a think-tank that does research for education policy. 3) Getting directly involved with education policy/politics in some form.

9) what advice would you give to a young lady about to complete her Bachelors degree with little certainty about what step to take next (sorry its random, lol)? Don’t be alarmed!!! I had NO IDEA what I wanted to do with my degree until my senior year of college and then the career path I chose had nothing to do with my degree. A teases me about my “passion” degree all the time because hers was definitely career-oriented (she double majored in accounting and finance). If I had to do it all over again, I wish I would have pursued more internships, not only to give me more exposure to a variety of careers, but also because it would have given me more diverse experiences. It’s really hard to be 10 years post graduation and starting over career-rise because I’m too old to want to do entry-level work but my career has pigeon-holed me. That’s why it was really important for me to go to a university for grad school with a lot of prestige and networking so that hopefully I can have my foot in the door with this career change.

10) do you have a fotki??? I do have a hair one! It’s here. I also have a general photo album but you have to email me for the link libertyacc@yahoo.com

11) How long did you and your wife know each other before dating? I knew her for about a year, then we were “something” for a year (not officially dating at all) and then we were engaged for a year. That’s a whole ‘nother story

12) what is your favorite color? I’m going to have to say purple. Today, I snuck away to the nail shop and looked down to see that I had on a purple coat, a purple cover on my iphone, and was getting my nails and toes done in dark purple. Yep, I like purple.

13) How do you find a balance between work, school and being a mom? I ask because we want to have a baby soon but think it may be really hard while we’re still in school. So I would love to know how you manage to do it with such ease. This is a joke right? Me do it with ease? Has to be a joke. Balance is a work in progress. In the very beginning, it was a nightmare. Then with other issues thrown into the heap, it was just an out and out mess. It was very rocky for a while as we both are in grad school. What helped initially was that I was doing consulting work so I was at “work” for about 5 hours a day, then even that cut down to 3 times a week. It helped me begin to learn how to have some work/school balance. Unfortunately (or fortunately), LA goes to a sitter starting when she was about 6 months old. So that helps tremendously, though I feel really guilty that during the week, we spend so little time with her because by the time one of us picks her up and gets home, it’s time for night time routine. We both do spend time hanging out with her at the sitters in the evening and then engage her on the ride home (me, driving, A on public trans when she pics up LA). For the home life, we pretty much have our domains that we stick to. A does laundry and I do dishes. A cooks and I pack lunches. A gets LA dressed in the morning and I pack diaper bag, etc. It didn’t start off as a plan at first, but evolved into that. Like I said previously, having to juggle all of this has forced me to be super efficient. I definitely wasn’t before but I am super driven to do a good job so that gives me energy to go on. Oh yeah, sleep (amongst other things) have been a casualty. I’ve compiled a list of things I want to work on for this year and that is at the top of the list.

14) Will you use the same donor when ttc as you did with your first child? Absolutely! Though, LA is my first child

I hope I’ve answered everyone’s questions clearly. Please feel free to post follow-up questions. This was fun!

ask away (remix)

A few days ago, I opened up my blog for you all to ask me any questions you wanted. I’ve had one response so far, and wondered if I would have more if I allowed you to ask anonymous questions.

So, I’m providing this link where you can go and ask me whatever questions. I’ll be blogging tomorrow with responses to all the questions, so ask away!!!

http://www.formspring.me/liber8ntheory

5 days until…

…My RE appointment. I’m excited and nervous. Just started my period on Tuesday and can’t help but think that AF’s days/cycles are numbered. I’m still unsure about whether I should have my records from my first RE, Dr. GAP, sent or should I start completely fresh, but I’ll decide at the appointment… Just hurry up and get here!

On the school front, I’ve had 2 of my 3 classes so far for the semester. One is a law and education class at the law school, the other is an economics and ed class about resource allocation, and the third is data analysis for policy making part 2. I’m liking 2 classes so far and am hoping to get into a different 3rd class. I just emailed the professor of a closed class and hope that he responds with good news (he just emailed.. it’s closed with a waiting list). It’s sort of weird to think that in 4 short months, my first year of grad school will be done, and I’ll be halfway done with my masters. Go me!

I’m definitely supposed to be in bed now, so off I go. I just wanted to update

ask away

I haven’t done this in a while!

Ask me any question that you want no matter how small or great. I’m going to collect questions over the next week and respond to them all next Friday.

Lurkers, this means you too

nothing much

I just feel like blogging though I don’t have much to say. I’m down another pound, woohoo but Im still sick. This is my fourth cold since September and I NEVER EVER get sick. I guess this is God’s way of telling me that I need more sleep in my life. This cold is trying to turn into a full-on sinus infection but I took some meds this morning and promptly slept for 5 hours. I’m so thankful that A kept an eye on LA because I was totally out of commission.

This afternoon (when I finally woke up) we went to Wal.mart where we got some humidifiers because radiator heat in NYC is NO FRIGGIN JOKE. It’s constantly 90 degrees and DRY as hell in this apartment. So I’m also thankful for that relief.

My classes start back on Tuesday and dare I say I’m excited? I think I sort of missed the intellectual stimulation. I even got some new notebooks. So far I’ve gotten back 2 of my 3 grades from this past semester and I have an A and a B+. I KNOW I could have done better than that B+ so I’m vowing to get straight As this coming semester!

So that’s it for me!