stimming for you

I took my blood test this morning and wil get the results of the clomid challenge later this afternoon. Based on my ocular reactions, Dr. On-it said that I can’t take that anymore. She was unsure of what type of meds to put me on at first because of my “poor” response before (I put that in quotes because I’m in doubt about everything from Dr. GAP). She finally decided on Follistim but only with a very low dose 75 and with extra monitoring (every 2 day ultrasounds). She’s doing this because I have a high risk of multiples based on my last follie count, and I’m not open to reduction. At the same time, I don’t want anything more than twins (and I’m aware of the risks with even that). So this regimen will hopefully reduce the risk of high order multiples. (God, I never thought I would be having this issue).

A sucky thing about the Follistim is that I have to take a stupid injection class that’s during work hours. But if this will bring us closer to having a baby, then so be it.

I’m on CD10 today and I’m looking forward to this being my last non-ttc cycle!

flashing lights

So a few moments ago I went into the living room after putting LA to bed. I noticed all these lights and shadows and thought that maybe they were reflections from my earrings. I soon figured they weren’t. I searched to find what was causing all those dancing lights and flutters, even removing my glasses to see if that was the cause, and all to no avail.

I tried not to panic (yes I was thinking that some sort of Spirit was in the room with me) and called A to see if she could see the fluttering lights or the source of it. Nope.

Come to find out that this is a side effect of Clomid. Who woulda thunk! I hope it doesn’t get worse. This is already odd enough as it is. Luckily tonight is my last night of it. I see Dr. On-it in the morning and I’ll see what she has to say about this.  Calling the RE’s office now, so the after hour service can page her. This is too weird.

in disbelief

My tubes are completely open. There was no issue whatsover. They dye went through easily on both sides and I was done in 2 minutes.

God is sooo good!

Narcotic talk

I think I spoke too soon about not turning into a clomid bitch. I all but cussed out the pharmacist this morning bc they were giving me the run around about meds. Maybe it was the clomid talking but I really let them know how pissed I was.

Now I’m sitting in the waiting area for the hsg. This Vicky and Valium have me feeling nice. I’m surprised I’ve managed to type this post at all from my phone. I kinda want to take another vicky just in case bc im terrified of the pain. But A reminded me that im a small fry so one each should be enough.

weepy baby and golf balls (no, not tiger’s)

So I’ve determined that Clomid is making a weepy little baby. I already am sissative (sensitive, but i like to pronounce it this way to be funny), but tonight I bawled while watching Hoarders and cried on our way home from our fertility therapist session (more to come on that in a second).

I also am starting to feel like I’m walking around with growing golf balls in my pelvic cavity and the sore breasts are starting. I realize that these side-effects could totally be psychosomatic, but either way, they are here!

Dr. On-it’s practice requires all couples who are using donor sperm to have a session with a fertility-related therapist. So we went to our meeting tonight and it was a mixed result. Ultimately, I think it was good to talk out our though process in conception (both when LA was conceived and my current attempts) and it was helpful to have the “truth” told to us in black and white– the reality of having multiples and potential strain it could create. For those reasons and many more, I am grateful. The not-so-good side effects was 1) hearing her tell me that it was likely my tubes were shut tight and opening them up would be like “roto-rootering them” (her words, not mine) and that it may leave my tubes like a “battlefield” (again, her words). Also hearing her strongly but indirectly push having only one embryo transfer, even though it might take longer to conceive, was hard. I know she is probably telling the truth, but at the same time I am/was starting to feel deflated again. I have zero expectation of it “magically” working right away but I don’t want to hear more about how I’m “doomed.”

I’m working on keeping my excitement up. This doesn’t change my desire to ttc right now, but it makes me feel a bit more solemn. I’m praying it’s just the clomid talking (crying). Either way, tomorrow’s test will give me either a wonderful result or a definitive answer about my tubes.

speaking of books

What are your favorite lesbian-themed books outside of The Color Purple?

I love, love Water in a Broken Glass, Zami, Coffee Will Make You Black, Loving Her, RubyFruit Jungle and a host of erotica. I also love coming-of-age lesbian-themed books like Annie on My Mind, The Friends,Empress of the World, Good Moon Rising, and Am I Blue?

There’s also a few short stories that I can’t remember the name of.

So ladies, what are your favorites??

book ideas

Hey blogland,

I need some help. I have friends whose daughter is.. well.. homophobic. And since she has two moms, that doesn’t quite work. At all. She is 8 years old and has been taught some very conservative biblical ideas by other relatives. She is a highly intelligent child and needs a rational, factual book that’s age appropriate for a different viewpoint to consider.

Any ideas of books? She’s about a 5th/6th grade reading level and is an “old soul” for her age.

Thanks!!

Infertility be gone!

I had my cd3 appointment this morning and I feel really hopeful about my prognosis. She said I had a LOT of follicles which means I have a heightened risk of multiples, something I have always suspected. She said it also meant that I was susceptible to overstimulation with gonadotropins, so it was pretty likely that my last RE put me on a low dose that slowed down my egg production and delayed ovulation on purpose. All this time I was thinking that something was wrong with me bc I would only have one measely egg and was ovulating close to cd20!!

(Dammit! I’m writing this from my iPhone at stoplights and lost half of it. Let me rewrite it.)

Now I’m left wondering what the hell was going on with Dr. GAP. Did he do that on purpose? Did he just not tell me? Was he just trying to get me to give up on iui so he could rush me to ivp? WTF??

This also shows me why I felt so much anxiety about my experience there- the timing wasn’t right and that wasn’t the right practice for me. I feel REALLY good about my experience now. I’m officially dubbing my RE Dr. On-it!

c-day

Tomorrow I start clomid for the first time in almost a year. I’m not actually ttc’ing this month, but doing the clomid challenge. I’m still pretty excited and feeling less rushed/urgent than I was the first time around. But why am I also nervous??

I also call tomorrow to schedule to my HSG. Remember that my first one revealed partially blocked tubes (dye trickled through but barely) and then the repeat one during the laparoscopy showed completely blocked ones. For some strange reason, I have a feeling that they are going to be clear this time. Even if it is just wishful thinking, I’m okay with it and am surprisingly calm about it. We shall know in less than 10 days what the results are!

Today I went to the SS office and put in my request for a new SS card with my name change. Even though I’ve been using my new name for the past few months professionally, it’s starting to feel weird as my all of my IDs, credit cards, etc begin to be switched. Tomorrow, I go get a new drivers license (again.. remember I lost mine in early November and finally got the replacement like last month) for this state with my new name. Then I go get my new bank card and all that.

(In case you didn’t notice, I have the week off from work so that’s why I’m just now getting to all these errands).

Dear AF

Dear AF,

You’re an evil b*tch and I just want you to know that your days here are numbered.

Signed,

Not your number one fan