This morning I officially entered the next chapter of my life. It’s come with a mixture of sadness, nervousness, relief and even a bit of excitement. My mom texted me to say that she knows this finality isn’t a cause for celebration or happiness, but she reminded me how our trials can propel us by sharing this scripture. It also shows how “sin” (or missing the mark) begins with a thought in our mind. If we want to have better actions and a better life, have better thoughts. Know this with me:

² Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various ^[c]trials, ³ knowing that the testing of your faith produces ^[d]endurance. ⁴ And let ^[e]endurance have its perfect ^[f]result, so that you may be^[g]perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

⁵ But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and ^[h]without reproach, and it will be given to him. ⁶ But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. ⁷ For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, ⁸ being a ^[i]double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

²² But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves. ²³ For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his ^[x]natural face in a mirror; ²⁴ for once he has looked at himself and gone away, ^[y]he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was. ²⁵ But one who looks intently at the perfect law,the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but ^[z]an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in ^[aa]what he does.

¹³ Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted ^[n]by God”; for God cannot be tempted ^[o]by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. ¹⁴ But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.¹⁵ Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin ^[p]is accomplished, it brings forth death. ¹⁶ Do not be ^[q]deceived, my beloved brethren. ¹⁷ Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or ^[r]shifting shadow. ¹⁸ In the exercise of His will He brought us forth by the word of truth, so that we would be^[s]a kind of first fruits ^[t]among His creatures.  JAMES 1:5-8, 13-18, 22-25

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Hindsight is only good if we use it to look forward.- Me

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In my previous post, I wrote about last Sunday’s Talk about love, happiness, and peace not being the result of external conditions. Two of the ways that we get past the “if onlies” is by surrounding ourselves with people and situations that affirm ourselves as children of God and by surrendering to God’s guidance towards our perfect life of joy, peace, and love.

Later on, when I stared writing my reflections on that, my pen took a life of its own. It started emitting all these understandings about surrendering that I didn’t know I knew. Here’s what I now know:

When I surrender, when I invest in being authentically me as an “on purpose” creation of God, abundance and ease are reflected back. God continues to create blessings and paths in ways I didn’t know existed. I shouldn’t be afraid or apprehensive that this new chapter in my life will bring, but instead I have to remember that God brought these recent opportunities to me to begin with so I can’t fear blessings. I am encouraged and reassured about this transition in my life because I know that it is ordained (from Latin, “to put in order.”)

When we surrender in attempts to receive blessings or when we try to act “good” to get rewarded, we are missing the point. Surrendering to receive compensation or merit is still holding on to the idea that salvation, happiness, peace and joy are external from us in the form of some other thing or person. It’s also affirming the belief that salvation happiness, peace, and joy are prizes only given to the “good.” Instead, in order to surrender we must believe that we are already good and valuable and put purposely on our path.

Surrendering isn’t the same as giving up or being out of options. It is not defeat. It is, instead, letting go of the idea that we serve an external God and that we need external rewards. It’s relinquishing the need to exert false control to get external things. Surrendering is basking in the light and not resisting. It’s what you do when you float—you allow yourself to be carried, knowing that you will be safe on the journey and that you’ll arrive precisely where you are supposed to be.

I surrender.

Up Next: What is standing in our way of surrendering? (I bet you already have the answer.)

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This weekend has been an emotional one for me. Nothing traumatic or unusual happened, but the reality that my life is once again completely changing in two weeks really hit me. I’ve been vacillating between excitement and deep sadness, joy and fear, looking ahead and look back.  Sometimes the feeling of loss and what ifs have been more than medicine can conquer.

I woke up this morning with the slight temptation to skip church, but I knew that I would get something out of it. I’m so glad I went with my first mind. Not only was I reminded of some important timely truths, I also realized the true lessons of these past five years:transition, fear, and surrender. 

Pastor Paul used the story of The Wizard of Oz as an allegory about life and finding truth. He compared Dorothy’s initial carelessness, her journey, and her final revelation of how to get home to the steps that we all go through when we lose our way.

• We ignore the signs and whispers, and continue doing things that aren’t good for us. We fail to pay attention to the love that is already in and around us.

• We go down a path of “if onlies” thinking that there is an external source of happiness, peace, and love. If only we had enough money, if only we had the right partner, if only our mothers only, if we just got that job, if only our exes treated us differently.

• We finally learn to go to the place where we’re guided and affirmed.

• We surrender and learn that truth, happiness, peace, and joy were always within.

I decided to use the Dorothy metaphor to create a checklist for myself to use the next time when my feelings of loss and why not me’s come up on again. I’ll ask myself:

1. What is my role in this situation? What am I ignoring? Where do I see love?

2. Who am I surrounding myself with? Are they affirming the God in me?

3. Where am I affirmed and guided and loved?

4. Am I trying to control the “how” or am I surrendering to God’s guidance?

This sermon sparked all sorts of “ahas”. After I finished journaling about how it connected to my life, I started writing about what’s been revealed to me about surrendering. The knowings just poured out of me, and I’ll be sharing those ideas over the next few posts.

Stay tuned for what’s up next: What does it mean to surrender?

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1-      I will be a New Yorker/New Jerseyan for only two more weeks. Time is flying!

2-      Being authentic is hard work and not for the weak. However, none of us are weak J

3-      It takes a conscious effort to be aware of and to bust up faulty foundations, those false beliefs and negative experiences that have become ingrained into the ways that we operate and think.

4-      Writing the first novel is labor intensive. I’ve sent out Pieces of Her to test readers and am gearing up for my fifth (and hopefully final) revision. Stay tuned for the official launch date.

5-      My mom inspires me. She exemplifies how to keep rolling with the punches, picking yourself up and trying again, and constantly evolving. She’s my she-ro.

Have a great day!

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When you don’t forgive, you teach your children how not to forgive.

- Iyanla Vanzant, Fix My Life

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What were you raised to believe about faith/God?

As a child, I was taught that faith was the most important part of my relationship with God. I was taught that God was all-present and all-knowing and always there to listen and give my burdens. I was taught that worship was about being thankful and that He always shows his grace and mercy. I was taught that service is how we show appreciation for God’s goodness, and that no matter the circumstances we’re in, we are still blessed. I was taught to have a personal relationship with God, and that neither my parents nor any one else can “speak” for me.

I was taught that church was special and holy, that it was a place of respect. There were different rules that went with church—we look our best and we are well-groomed because it’s showing appreciation and reverence for God. We don’t play on the altar because it’ a sacred place where God’s anointed go about the serious business of teaching. Because church wasn’t mandated, it was never construed that it was the place to “get” a relationship with God, but rather a place to learn and celebrate.

Growing up, I don’t remember a lot of harping about sin explicitly. We rarely had anti-anything sermons. Instead it was taught that such behaviors and thoughts weren’t pleasing to God. Perhaps it’s a matter of semantics, but because His love, protection, and care were so emphasized, the last thing any of us wanted to be was displeasing to God. Using such language inspired me to action instead of threatening me into compliance.

Church also taught me such pride in being a woman. All of the deeply spiritual people I knew where women and they ran the church. It was almost like the pastor had to ask permission to lead the church. I never felt a strong sense of patriarchy in my home church, and instead there was a deep reverence for women—our strength, nurturing, and leadership. To be a “mother” of the church was highly regarded.

What do you believe about God now?

I have much of the same beliefs in God as I did growing up with a few additions. I’ve learned that God speaks in all sorts of ways, especially through “coincidences.” It’s important to pay attention to the aberrations or screen blips (like on the Matrix because they are intentional). I now believe that God is greater than “evil” (or pervasive ego, as I understand “evil” to be). I now believe that attributing human qualities and characteristics to God is limiting. I believe that we are made of Divine essence and are intentionally brought onto the planet, though we aren’t God ourselves. I believe that when we are still and present, we are in communion with God. I believe that ritual and tradition can help us be still and present, but it’s not the work itself. I believe that we are uniquely gifted and called. I believe that religion is a tool and a vehicle, but is not the end. I believe that God can turn anything into Good. I believe that God is the authority, not anyone else’s interpretation or understanding. I believe that God gives us what we need, and if our gifts and understandings contradict each other, it’s okay because our journey and path is ours alone.

What aspect of God do you need most in this moment?

I just need God to continue being God—ever merciful and full of grace. I need to keep being reminded how to love and forgive. I need more direction and confirmation on being gentle with myself and others.

Want to participate? Chime in below and be sure to reference the original blog found here.

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In honor of my 5in30, I went back and looked at the posts that received the most views. When I look at them they are truly representative of how these five years have shifted and transformed. Take a look

1. Why Lesbians Marry (February 2012): I find it interesting that this is my most popular post. I suspect this one got a lot of hits after I expanded this post into an article on Elixher. This post’s popularity represents me living up to a goal of mine, to be a published writer.

2- 12 dpo/cd 27 update.. the saga continues (May 2008): This post represents my very first month of trying to conceive. I was so hopeful and committed to perfecting getting pregnant. I have learned so much since then, including the lesson of surrender.

3- Authentically Me Day 3- Lessons for Infertility (July 2012): In this post, I told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about how dealing infertility called me to the mat. It made me confront all my feelings and assumptions about motherhood and self-worth.

4- Clarity (August 2011): How foreboding was this one? In twelve simple words it sized up all of the challenges of the past few years.

5- update: labor (March 2009): This was such a magical day. The heavens and angels were conspiring in our favor preparing the way for our miracle to come.

6- Introducing little A (March 2009): My life completely changed from this day. I became a mother.

7- Coming Clean: In Honor of Audre (February 2013): This was the day I decided to tell my readers the truth of what’s been going on, my pending divorce.

8- Authentically Me 8- T minus 2 days (July 2012): The Authentically Me series was one of my favorites to write. This post marked the beginning of my commitment to my body, away from poking and prodding it and trying to make it a baby machine.

9- a humongous, lengthy update (July 2008): Such a whirlwind of emotions and events. We had just found out A was pregnant with LA, I was still trying to conceive, and I was dealing with less than welcoming at the time in-laws.

10-  4 dpo- mystery solved? (July 2008): Another one where I was trying to understand what was going on with my body while I was trying to conceive. I have no idea why this was such a popular one, but perhaps one day I’ll be back on that saddle again. Maybe.

If you’ve been reading for a while (or even a week), what was your favorite post? Chime in below.

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Forgiveness isn’t about excusing another’s actions or mistakes. It’s about disassociating your emotion from THEIR baggage. It’s letting their issues but their issue, and you being you in spite of it all. Forgiveness means loving detachment, while keeping your eyes on your lessons learned and beautiful humanity.

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One thing that I’ve come to embrace is defining myself and my how I operate in relationships more clearly. I’ve spent so very much time trying to “fix” myself to be more attractive, more understanding, less vocal, less needy, more reassuring, more submissive in the hopes that if I’m “better,” I’ll be more worthy of love, and more likely to have my needs taken care of. Perfectly well-adjusted people might shake their heads at this logic and raise a banner touting the self-love they’ve had since they were conscious of being a Self. That was never me. My logic is deep-seated and pervasive, but I’m fortunate to now see that it doesn’t have to be permanent. Three things have been major tools in helping me consider myself worthy and have helped me on this healing journey.

God and spirituality

It may sound clichéd but there is no way at all I could be where I am without my relationship with God. God has been nothing short of miraculous in my life, even through my trials of infertility and the uncertainty of my place in religion and the confusion that has been love and life. The “coincidences,” the teachers, the gladiators, the books, the therapists, and the strangers that have reflected back to me the voice and love of God have been transformative. When I am feeling lost and broken or happy and whole, I feel absolutely confident in knowing whose I am.

Writing

I don’t know how I would make sense of the world, my heart, and my life if I couldn’t write. I need words and language to process how I feel and what I think. Writing this blog has saved me in so many ways. It’s forced me to get to the heart of the matter and be a vessel for the truth bubbling inside of me. Writing is who I AM and I am thankful that it’s had a positive impact on so many of you. This is just the beginning!! (Sidenote: The song “Beautiful” by India.Arie just came up on my Jango station. Talk about synchronism! See the video below)

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment

If you are in a relationship, about to be in one, or leaving one, you need to read this! Yes, that means every single person. It has been SUCH a game changer in how I see relationships and it’s changed my life. For real. I’ve recommended this to no less than 15 people (even bought copies for a few of you) and they’ve recommended it to everyone they know. This book is not your typical self-help book that’s trying to get you to change your behaviors or be “better.” It’s about embracing who you are. In a nutshell, it helps you to see your relationship attachment type WITHOUT JUDGEMENT and gives you insight into what you need in a partner, what types of partners don’t mesh well with your type, and empowers you to be more secure and vocal in asking for what you need. Pick it up here.

This is what’s been on my mind today. I hope that your Friday is equally reflective and the beginning of a peaceful weekend. Be liberated.

Teaching

Trying to Conceive

Camping

Figuring myself out

Five years later and so much is different and so much is the same. I’m ending my marriage, settling into the truth of who am, and relocating BACK to Dallas in a month’s time. Life is truly a sequence of spirals- you find yourself in familiar places but on a different level of knowledge.

Check out the first blog post below and stay tuned for more 5 in 30.

a new beginning, once again

i decided to start a new blog, much like i start new journals when life signals me that it’s time to move on to the next spring. here you’ll find me on the verge of something new, still lingering in the old, and learning how to stay in touch with the Now.

you can always read my old blog to get some insight as to where i was before, though i will be continuing my updates of my home insemination here and the lessons that almost one year of marriage has taught me.

the journey continues…
~liberty

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