l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

love, life, and the pursuit of liberation

hormones without the pregnancy- tears

i don’t know what my problem is and i’m not usually emotional like this (cryin for no reason) but i just feel down. real down. i don’t know if it’s b/c i miss my baby or what, but i’ve been tearing up all day today for no apparent reason.

i went to the IB training and it was pretty good, though scattered. got me excited about teaching kids who are thirsty for knowledge, even if they express it in their usual, antagonistic, nonchalant, adolescent way. i know the truth- they all want hugs. 

then lunch came and i swear i was confronted with all sorts of demons i had conveniently forgotten about. the school i’m moving to next year (same district) is majority black. no problem- i’m black, come from a black family, and have always taught in a black school. however, i’m different. though i’ve always grown up in a black/hispanic, poor city, i’ve ALWAYS gone to white schools; been one of the “only ones” and sat at the “black table.” bear with me. i’m going somewhere with this. as a consequence, i’ve always straddled all the identity lines- even wrote my college senior thesis about it. however, i freeze and get nervous when i am suddenly around all-black female environments, especially in california and the south. i feel all that anxiety of not being “black” enough– i’m not straight, i don’t straighten my hair, i don’t have children, i am not christian, i do not hang on the “black” side of town. i’m so not everything that seems to be commonly black. and they know. and i feel like an outsider. somehow, it doesn’t matter to me when i’m the outsider around all whites/other people of color, or when i’m the only person who XYZ because, as rude as it seems, i don’t care what they think of me! there’s no vested interest. if i get along with folks, GREAT! if they see me as different, did i expect anything different? [this isn’t coming out the way that i feel]. but somehow with all black female circles, i feel like i did when i was growing up and going to church– smiling and trying to be “down” but not knowing i was so different. 

and it’s not even that other black women aren’t accepting of me! they smile and are polite and are not “ghetto” by any means. but i feel like i’m constantly on the fringe– i don’t know the latest fashion, code, or anything.

interestingly, i didn’t/don’t have this problem in nyc or nj where i spent the past 11 years (perhaps that’s why i stayed). after talking about it with my wife, i realize it’s because the majority of black folks (or so it seems) in nyc have some other facet to their identity– having caribbean or african families, or simply being surrounded intimately by so many other kinds of people.

i haven’t felt this anxiety in a looooong time. probably not since highschool in the early 90s. but here it is and i’m getting nervous about teaching at the school next year. i hate feeling so much like an outsider in my heart and in ways that matter.

Advertisements

4 comments on “hormones without the pregnancy- tears

  1. LJ
    June 5, 2008

    I’m feeling you like velvet! I went to an all white H.S. and sat at the black table. I wanted to attend a HBCU so badly, but the thought sacred the hell out of me. I feel out of step most times when I am surrounded by a group of sistas, not in a bad way just in a on the fringe way as you described. I just keep on moving and try to realize that some of it is who I am and how I perceive myself. I get this way when I amongst highly educated sistas as well. I know in a nut shell that’s it me not them. I’ve found a way to just be me (usually writing in my mind because it relaxes me) and let go of that anxiety. You are not alone. Rest assured some of those sistas are feeling as you do, some of them are just better at faking the funkiness! LOL!

    Like

  2. LJ
    June 5, 2008

    oh yeah (((((hugs))))) hope things get better when giggle gets home…

    Like

  3. liberationtheory
    June 5, 2008

    ^^^ thank YOU so much for your comment. i feel that people always think that i’m secure and have it “all together” and truthfully, i rarely do. so when stuff like this happens that causes me to really “see” myself, it’s hard. thank you for not making me feel weird. trust me, it means a whole lot.

    and my baby is getting on the plane now to come see me.

    i’m just wondering what i’m going to do when i’m pregnant b/c i’ve been emotional as hell these last few weeks.

    Like

  4. dana
    June 19, 2008

    been going through feeling like an outsider *and caring* lately too – though for different reasons.. one important thing i try to remember is the old saying about how when we are ourselves we let other people be themselves. so don’t worry about not fitting in – remember to *gift* yourself so that others can *gift* themselves as well.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Information

This entry was posted on June 4, 2008 by in black woman, emotional, identity, sad, Uncategorized and tagged .

Grab My Button

Liberation Theory
<div align="center"><a href="https://liberationtheory.wordpress.com/" title="Liberation Theory"><img src="https://liberationtheory.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/liberation-theory-button-small.jpg" alt="Liberation Theory" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

Archives

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 448 other followers

%d bloggers like this: