love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
don’t take it personal.
‘member that song by monica in the mid 90s? perfect way to describe my mood.
warning: long post ahead
today we met with a different midwife and the visit went fairly well. the only things that i disliked about it was 1) it was a GOOD 30 minutes from my house and about 30 miles are so. with gas the way it is and then as the potential pregnancy moves forward, i may not want to make that trek. 2) it’s highly doubtful that my insurance will cover anything so that will be a fee out of pocket.
oops, let me backtrack. you probably are confused. no i’m not pregnant (i don’t think), but A has decided that she probably will do best sticking to our ob/gyn and delivering at our local hospital that is extremely natural birth friendly. so much so that as a policy they don’t do iv’s or fetal monitoring, etc. so this visit was more for me to ask my questions when the time comes.
which brings on another set of “issues.” one thing that is hard about being in a relationship with a woman is that it’s easy to forget that you are two very different people. i assume that in traditional hettie relationships, any differences are chalked up to him being a “man” and you being a “woman.” but the lines aren’t as clear cut with lesbian relationships. today, i just felt kinda sad because i was the one doing all the talking and asking all the questions. A said she felt like she didn’t want to “intrude” or over step her boundaries. b/c i’m sensitive to NOT BEING PREGNANT i felt like she just didn’t care as much b/c it wasn’t the *real* baby. yes, yes, that all existed in my head, but i just want to feel as much part of this and celebrated, and frankly i’m not. our ob/gyn is great, but i just feel like a backseat driver when we visit her. and it just highlights for me that i’m not pregnant. and then on top of A being quiet at the consultation, i just feel really unimportant.
we did talk about it and i’m glad we’re getting better at discussing how we’re truly feeling, but i can’t say that i left that conversation relieved. i just feel sad about it. who knows what will happen, but it just makes me want to withdraw more. i try not to talk about the ttc so much at home b/c i just don’t feel like it is as important as being pregnant. but i know i do bug her with 10 thousand questions of “what do you think this feeling means.” i am working on not doing that though.
so i’ll bug ya’ll 🙂
new “symptom” of this cycle. yes, i’m chalking it up to every cycle being different so don’t worry, i’m not reading too much into it or getting my hopes up high.
okay about the diarrhea, i had some chip.otle 2 days ago and should have known better. every time i go there, i’m DONE. yesterday i had a horrible case of diarrhea and at first had no idea why. then i remembered the chip.otle, so that was that. BUT, today i am still having a bit of diarrhea or soft stool. kinda like when i’m about to start my period. which brings me to the second thing going on.
i am having that low abdominal burning, like pre-cramps but too dull and mild to be the real thing. actually with these last 2 cycles that i’ve had, my cramps never escalated past this. but obviously it’s way too early to be my period. i still have 10 days to go. i’m rationalizing it as maybe it’s just my stomach burning from the chip.otle 2 days ago and some jalapenos i had last night (mmmmm, they were so good on my pizza), but the sensation is definitely not in my stomach or intestine. who knows, it could also be in my head. time will tell. i decided that i’m not testing at all this cycle until i actually miss a period.
so that’s been my day so far. and it’s only noon.