l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

love, life, and the pursuit of liberation

just one of them days

don’t take it personal. 

‘member that song by monica in the mid 90s? perfect way to describe my mood.

warning: long post ahead

today we met with a different midwife and the visit went fairly well. the only things that i disliked about it was 1) it was a GOOD 30 minutes from my house and about 30 miles are so. with gas the way it is and then as the potential pregnancy moves forward, i may not want to make that trek. 2) it’s highly doubtful that my insurance will cover anything so that will be a fee out of pocket.

oops, let me backtrack. you probably are confused. no i’m not pregnant (i don’t think), but A has decided that she probably will do best sticking to our ob/gyn and delivering at our local hospital that is extremely natural birth friendly. so much so that as a policy they don’t do iv’s or fetal monitoring, etc. so this visit was more for me to ask my questions when the time comes.

which brings on another set of “issues.” one thing that is hard about being in a relationship with a woman is that it’s easy to forget that you are two very different people. i assume that in traditional hettie relationships, any differences are chalked up to him being a “man” and you being a “woman.” but the lines aren’t as clear cut with lesbian relationships. today, i just felt kinda sad because i was the one doing all the talking and asking all the questions. A said she felt like she didn’t want to “intrude” or over step her boundaries. b/c i’m sensitive to NOT BEING PREGNANT i felt like she just didn’t care as much b/c it wasn’t the *real* baby. yes, yes, that all existed in my head, but i just want to feel as much part of this and celebrated, and frankly i’m not. our ob/gyn is great, but i just feel like a backseat driver when we visit her. and it just highlights for me that i’m not pregnant. and then on top of A being quiet at the consultation, i just feel really unimportant.

we did talk about it and i’m glad we’re getting better at discussing how we’re truly feeling, but i can’t say that i left that conversation relieved. i just feel sad about it. who knows what will happen, but it just makes me want to withdraw more. i try not to talk about the ttc so much at home b/c i just don’t feel like it is as important as being pregnant. but i know i do bug her with 10 thousand questions of “what do you think this feeling means.” i am working on not doing that though.

so i’ll bug ya’ll 🙂

new “symptom” of this cycle. yes, i’m chalking it up to every cycle being different so don’t worry, i’m not reading too much into it or getting my hopes up high. 

1- diarrhea

2- burning/cramping.

okay about the diarrhea, i had some chip.otle 2 days ago and should have known better. every time i go there, i’m DONE. yesterday i had a horrible case of diarrhea and at first had no idea why. then i remembered the chip.otle, so that was that. BUT, today i am still having a bit of diarrhea or soft stool. kinda like when i’m about to start my period. which brings me to the second thing going on.

i am having that low abdominal burning, like pre-cramps but too dull and mild to be the real thing. actually with these last 2 cycles that i’ve had, my cramps never escalated past this. but obviously it’s way too early to be my period. i still have 10 days to go. i’m rationalizing it as maybe it’s just my stomach burning from the chip.otle 2 days ago and some jalapenos i had last night (mmmmm, they were so good on my pizza), but the sensation is definitely not in my stomach or intestine. who knows, it could also be in my head. time will tell. i decided that i’m not testing at all this cycle until i actually miss a period. 

so that’s been my day so far. and it’s only noon.

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7 comments on “just one of them days

  1. Travelher
    August 14, 2008

    I’m sorry this is so hard. I don’t know what else to say. We can never plan for how we want things to be and how they really are.

    Like

  2. Gia
    August 14, 2008

    join the club…from 10-1 in a min

    Like

  3. Tosha
    August 14, 2008

    I left a long winded comment on A’s page because she had a lot to say also.

    I will tell you what I told her, the both of you have some serious talking to do. It seems as though she is not opening up to you in fear of hurting your feelings because your not pregnant and that not good for you, her, nor little pepita. I won’t pretend to understand what your going thru right now with her being pregnant and your not. It has to be difficult, but the two of you need come together as partners & mommies and communicate for the sake of the baby. You say that people treat you as the “dad”, but you know what role your going to play in YOUR CHILDS life. You are mom, Mommy, ma, momma and no one can take that away from you.

    I pray that the two of you can start to see eye to eye or at least understand one another’s feelings & concerns.

    I like the both of you and it bothers me to read what the two of you are going through.

    So your still cramping? Me too! I still have the same crampy tender feeling that I had when I thought I was about to ovulate. I thought that this feeling should have passed by now but it hasn’t. I don’t know what it is, but I’m going to try not to focus on it. I was going to ask you if you wanted to test on the same day, but since your waiting for AF I guess I’ll be POAS alone 🙂

    Sending you tons of baby dust your way. I hope the two of us get what we want this cycle.

    (damn I didn’t mean to be long winded on this one either…sorry)

    Like

  4. lyn
    August 14, 2008

    I, too, left a long-winded post at your partner’s site (I found her by way of joulybean and sarahbean).

    I won’t add more here. I’ll just say, I hear you. I was non-bio-mom for our first (now two), and the pregnancy was extremely hard (and I wasn’t also TTC at the time, which I assume is even harder). It really did get better once our daughter arrived. Hang in there.

    Like

  5. Tosha
    August 18, 2008

    Can you email me if your not to busy? The madness has begun for me. I don’t know if you want to talk about what is or isn’t going on with you, but I wanted to ask you a few things.

    Tosha

    Like

  6. Jills
    August 18, 2008

    Hey, you don’t know me but I just found your blog. I wanted to say I can totally relate. Im on cycle 6 in the smack middle of my tww. Feels like the second week is never going to end. Great to read another lesbian trying to become a mommy. I give you two credit for trying at the same time. That ultrasound picture made me cry it was so beautiful. I’m wishing “A” healthy happy baby thoughts. For you and for myself… I’m hoping this is our month! I hope we both get those bfps in a few days!

    Jills

    Like

  7. liberationtheory
    August 18, 2008

    thank you ladies for your continued support. things are going much better 🙂

    Like

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This entry was posted on August 14, 2008 by in midwife, symptoms, ttc, Uncategorized, wife and tagged .

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