l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

love, life, and the pursuit of liberation

square one

this cycle reminds me so much of the beginning, but not in a good way. if you’ve seen my twitter you’ll know that i got a peak on my clearblue fertility monitor this morning. for most women, that’s a good sign. for me, it was confirmation of the dreaded feeling.. i inseminated way too soon. and upon investigation of my gaping open cervix this morning, i realized that this cycle was a bust. a wonderful way to start off the first day of my thirtieth year.

i am reminded of how i peaked during that first month (or two or three, i no longer remember) on cycle day 19. how in sheer eagerness and feelings of hope and promise, i inseminated as soon as i saw that little digital dot in the digital oval indicating my pending ovulation. how i tried to brush away the feeling that something wasn’t right since i normally got the indication sign on cycle day 14. how i took boxes of opks (i think i topped at three this cycle) all for it to mean nothing. for me, anyway.

so i’m back at the beginning. i know that it’s all but impossible for me to be pregnant. of course there’s the “maybe you did ovulate twice this cycle.” but it’s doubtful because my cervix is so open. or the “maybe the sperm lived this long.” again, doubtful. it’s frozen pops. and our last resort today, “maybe we can have some sperm shipped here rush delivery.” no go for that too. we called the bank and they didn’t have any more tanks until tonight, and they would need to be in the mail by noon today to get here tomorrow.

so, johnny five is SO not alive this month.

looking on to the last two cycles i have left to try. a bittersweet birthday indeed.


4 comments on “square one

  1. lyn
    September 12, 2008

    This is so hard. In July, I jumped the gun and we ended up using 4 (yes 4) vials. And it didn’t take. I try not to think about it.

    It is so so hard to predict the future, especially if your body doesn’t go like clockwork (mine certainly doesn’t).
    Hang in there. Why only two more cycles though? Because of Pepita?


  2. liberationtheory
    September 12, 2008

    because i’m starting grad school next september and can’t be at my due date. i want to have the baby at least 6 weeks before so that i won’t have to drop classes, etc.


  3. Tosha
    September 12, 2008

    Since I really don’t know what to say to make you feel better, I’ll just say that I’m thinking of you and wishing for a miracle.


  4. Lisa
    September 12, 2008

    Despite the sadness of this cycle I wanted to wish you a HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!! I hope this year brings you lots of happiness, babies, and great adventures.


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