l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

love, life, and the pursuit of liberation


i never thought that i would be in such a minority again. maybe it’s not that big of a deal, but it always awed me, even while growing up, how “different” i am. i mean, what are the odds? i’m black (13% of the US population), i’m female (now reduce that approximately by half), i’m a lesbian (don’t feel like doing the algebra), i grew up with drug-addicted parents YET went to an elite private school and onto an ivy league university (don’t even know the statistics of that). i’m married, my wife is pregnant, and now i get my preliminary results from the radiologist:

“it doesn’t seem like blockage but it was very difficult getting the dye through. and your uterus is tilted and slightly abnormally shaped- arcuate.”

just when i thought i would be able to have a “normal” lesbian pregnancy, it seems like i’m going to be in another minority– (i dont even want to say the “i” word) and ivf may have to be an option. i never, ever, thought i would have to go there. i guess i’ll find out from my RE what are the chances of 1) an egg even making it through my tubes and 2) if i were to conceive, if i would be able to sustain a pregnancy.

i had a dream last night that A won $50 million dollars. the dream wasn’t so much about the money, but how we had choices that we never considered and how those choices completely changed our world and our perspective. it was no longer a “maybe at some point we can” conversation, but instead “do we even have to work now?” “can we move to nyc tomorrow.” just endless possibilities and it was such a strange place to be. i somehow feel that dream was connected to today, but i’m not sure if it was in a positive way (the glimmer of hope against statistics) or in a negative way (one in a million are hard odds to beat).

i guess time and more numbers will tell.

eta: the hsg was BEYOND painful. i almost passed out and threw up at the same time.


11 comments on “numbers

  1. Tosha
    October 6, 2008

    (( Hand up)) Tilted & abnormal shaped uterus here!

    Did getting the dye through do anything good for your tubes? Doesn’t the dye flush out any blockage?

    I hope your RE has some good news for you.


  2. Bree
    October 6, 2008

    I’m sorry. That sucks, and I wish it could be easier for you.


  3. lyn
    October 6, 2008

    For what it is worth regarding tipping, my uterus is extremely tipped (so much so the RE doing my HSG wouldn’t shut up about how tipped it was, and had trouble getting the dye in, and every OB I’ve ever had for a pap or IUI practically needs a tutorial to visualize my cervix. Seriously. Even the good ones have to try 2-4 times), and I was able to get PG (it is still very early though).

    Am I correct in understanding that what you have is the HSG report only, and you haven’t yet talked to the RE? I felt awful after my HSG, as they told me dye had trouble getting through one side and had talked so much about the tipping, but when I talked to my own RE she said neither were really an issue.

    Good luck. I know it is hard getting run through the RE mill. Hang in there. I’d also love to get your password if you are willing to share.


  4. Lisa
    October 6, 2008

    The hsg was ridiculously painful for me as well. I hope the RE has some good news for you or that IVF is an option for you guys both emotionally and financially. Keep us posted.


  5. j. k-c.
    October 6, 2008

    sorry the hsg was so painful and that the news wasn’t great. I’m still going to have hope though.


  6. indigoscot
    October 6, 2008

    umm, i have an arcuate uterus too and carried our son to full-term w/o any issues at all. i’d be more worried about the tubes than anything but if the dye went through you are ok there too. fx that you get some good news from the re.


  7. moemoe
    October 6, 2008

    baby girl you have over come so many odds already what make you think you cant over come this one ?

    dont less your self short shorty LOL



  8. Travelher
    October 7, 2008

    So sorry it was painful, but try not to get too worked up until you talk to your RE about the results. You certainly have beat the odds in other areas of your life–don’t give up on this.


  9. reproducinggenius
    October 7, 2008

    It is said that older souls tend to have more difficult lives, more obstacles because they can handle it. These same people say that our souls choose these obstacles before we start living in these bodies so that we can learn important lessons. When I face obstacles like these, I have been known to yell at my soul. Yes, that’s me, the crazy person yelling at herself.

    I guess what I’m saying is that you must be an old soul, and that means that you will make it through this, yet another obstacle, and you will come out on the other side having learned something important. I bet you’ll have your baby in your arms when it all hits you, too.

    For now, know that I’m sending you all kinds of hope that all of this will get a little easier from here on out. xoxo


  10. laniza
    October 7, 2008

    You’re not alone with beating the odds. I, too, share many of your obstacles (black, female, drug addicted mother, graduate of a seven sister college, married, blocked tubes).

    On top of all those obstacles above, I had my daughter at 16. Obviously, fertility was not an issue at that time, lol! I fought hard since then not to be *that* statistic (you know the one–single, black, young female with 5 kids and 4 baby daddies by the time that she’s 21).

    When I met my husband, it was a given that after we finish undergrad & grad school that we’d have (another) baby. It did not happen that easily. We tried for five long years to get pregnant!! I was actually scheduled to have one of my tubes removed (due to abnormal blockage) when I discovered that I am with child!

    I write all this to say: don’t give up! Your affirmation for today (feel free to adjust): My uterus is capable of carrying a baby full term.


  11. Chelci (MNC from NP)
    October 9, 2008

    *Hugs* I hope you hear good news from your RE. Don’t give up hope!


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This entry was posted on October 6, 2008 by in hsg, ttc, Uncategorized and tagged .

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