love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
i never thought that i would be in such a minority again. maybe it’s not that big of a deal, but it always awed me, even while growing up, how “different” i am. i mean, what are the odds? i’m black (13% of the US population), i’m female (now reduce that approximately by half), i’m a lesbian (don’t feel like doing the algebra), i grew up with drug-addicted parents YET went to an elite private school and onto an ivy league university (don’t even know the statistics of that). i’m married, my wife is pregnant, and now i get my preliminary results from the radiologist:
“it doesn’t seem like blockage but it was very difficult getting the dye through. and your uterus is tilted and slightly abnormally shaped- arcuate.”
just when i thought i would be able to have a “normal” lesbian pregnancy, it seems like i’m going to be in another minority– (i dont even want to say the “i” word) and ivf may have to be an option. i never, ever, thought i would have to go there. i guess i’ll find out from my RE what are the chances of 1) an egg even making it through my tubes and 2) if i were to conceive, if i would be able to sustain a pregnancy.
i had a dream last night that A won $50 million dollars. the dream wasn’t so much about the money, but how we had choices that we never considered and how those choices completely changed our world and our perspective. it was no longer a “maybe at some point we can” conversation, but instead “do we even have to work now?” “can we move to nyc tomorrow.” just endless possibilities and it was such a strange place to be. i somehow feel that dream was connected to today, but i’m not sure if it was in a positive way (the glimmer of hope against statistics) or in a negative way (one in a million are hard odds to beat).
i guess time and more numbers will tell.
eta: the hsg was BEYOND painful. i almost passed out and threw up at the same time.