love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
ever since i was a child, i’ve had this pervasive question.. do i exist? i mean, for real? as *me*? do people see me and value Me? i still wonder about that. many times i feel like i’m the perfect function of what i can do or not do, what i can bring or not bring, how i can enhance or not enhance. but i wonder if anyone truly cares about the innerworkings of my mind and heart because they care about Me, not just for their own entertainment or to feel better about themselves for knowing.
my biggest fear has always been that i will die without anyone caring about Me for my own sake. that i will lead this life of constant service to others and maybe in retrospect someone might wonder if i were happy or felt safe or felt loved. but i still to this day doubt that those questions are in the forefront of anyone’s mind. sure they may be an after thought at times, but a priority.. nah.
i’m working on making myself my priority. but many days i’d rather not try or care. it’s easier to be silent and to retreat to my mind.