love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
growing up is never quite complete. it seems that no matter how far i’ve come in my life, i always learn more that shows me that i need to “woman up” about some things. the two biggest areas that i see this (and they are intertwined) is with my mother and with my general role i take with others. with my mother, i’ve had a very codependent relationship. i’ve always accepted things and situations that no child should have to because i didn’t want to hurt my mother’s feelings or make her feel worse about her life. as a result, i’ve always tried to be the “good” girl in hopes that one day the same amount of care was reciprocated. another result is that i’ve let my mother cross lines with me and my wife that i shouldn’t have. and i’ve never stood up to her. that is, until today. i finally wrote my mother an overdue email and i don’t know how she’s going to receive it, but i needed to do it for a variety of reasons.
now with me being the “good girl” i realize that perhaps i’m not as “good” as i thought i was. i let so much anger and resentment fester that when it comes out, it explodes. as my wife has been going through her own issues, i’ve retreated in another way and became the exact opposite of what i needed to be or do. i would like to blame the femara or the trying to conceive process, but i really can’t. each action or reaction is a choice, and right now i can only see the extreme options– explode or “take it.” i know a middle ground must exist but honestly, i don’t know what it is. i’m hoping that therapy (already have a pending appointment) will help me find that place.
now this isn’t to let everyone off the hook and accept all the blame. but i am willing to try and accept my role in the situation and not play the perpetual victim. if nothing else, i’ll feel better about myself and perhaps get closer to my blog’s name– liberation theory