love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
the full weight of the possibility that i won’t be pregnant this time around is hitting me. in previous months, i’ve always had the “well maybe next time” attitude. but now i can’t bank on that. i’m actually dreading tomorrow’s follie check because i don’t expect my eggs to have grown exponentially in two days.
a few years ago i had resigned myself to the fact that maybe i won’t have kids despite my greatest desire, and i know i’ll have pepita soon, but that longing in my tummy doesn’t go away. and i’m sad about it. i know you all are commenting that i’m so “strong” but honestly i dont feel like it. i feel numb at times, sad at others, and resigned at my fate too. i think that i don’t know how to be mad for real. often, i take on the “strong black woman” persona and just accept everything. lately, i’ve been short tempered and explosive and i’m not sure why (we’re working it out in therapy). i don’t know what the middle ground looks like. i hope to learn that soon.
tonight i toast my last injection of menopur and find out my fate tomorrow.