love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
i had an interesting reaction to my last post of the same title. there was a couple of well-wishes, one “you don’t know what you’re talking about” comment, and one surprising reaction that caught me completely off guard. mostly my writing is my attempt to find liberation. so when someone else “gets it,” i’m very much surprised.
i’ve also been reflecting alot about my “steps” and figuring out on which step i lie. oddly enough, seeing “marley and me” on christmas day sent me into a tailspin of emotions. seeing the main character “jen” get pregnant 3 times (2 of which were unplanned) made me grieve the fact that my journey will never be quite so easy, if i even choose to try later. and yeah, a small part of me resented her.
but after i thought about it more, i realize what has me utterly sad and angry is the fact that i don’t know from who or how i caught whatever STD that ended up scarring my tubes. THAT is what i’m angry about because, like i said before, i have been so careful, never had casual sex, always been tested before any new relationship, made sure my partners were and somehow that trust was completely violated. i’m so very angry that out of all the people who do whatever with whomever, *I* have to suffer for that.
i also realized that i was keeping these feelings bottled up in blogland and hadn’t expressed it to A. so i finally did and she held me and didn’t dismiss my feelings. and that made me feel so much better. that helped me get rid of the weight of it all.
so i can’t say completely where i am on this journey. hindsight will be my guide. i wish there was a book called “what to expect when you’re NOT expecting.” i’m sure there’s something similar out there but denial has prevented me from searching. perhaps i will start some more reading soon because dealing with infertility emotionally is not something they ever tell you about with the ttc process. or maybe they do but we don’t listen because we think it will never be us..