l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

love, life, and the pursuit of liberation

getting rid of the weight: part II (for monika)

i had an interesting reaction to my last post of the same title. there was a couple of well-wishes, one “you don’t know what you’re talking about” comment, and one surprising reaction that caught me completely off guard. mostly my writing is my attempt to find liberation. so when someone else “gets it,” i’m very much surprised.

i’ve also been reflecting alot about my “steps” and figuring out on which step i lie. oddly enough, seeing “marley and me” on christmas day sent me into a tailspin of emotions. seeing the main character “jen” get pregnant 3 times (2 of which were unplanned) made me grieve the fact that my journey will never be quite so easy, if i even choose to try later. and yeah, a small part of me resented her.

but after i thought about it more, i realize what has me utterly sad and angry is the fact that i don’t know from who or how i caught whatever STD that ended up scarring my tubes. THAT is what i’m angry about because, like i said before, i have been so careful, never had casual sex, always been tested before any new relationship, made sure my partners were and somehow that trust was completely violated. i’m so very angry that out of all the people who do whatever with whomever, *I* have to suffer for that. 

i also realized that i was keeping these feelings bottled up in blogland and hadn’t expressed it to A. so i finally did and she held me and didn’t dismiss my feelings. and that made me feel so much better. that helped me get rid of the weight of it all.

so i can’t say completely where i am on this journey. hindsight will be my guide. i wish there was a book called “what to expect when you’re NOT expecting.” i’m sure there’s something similar out there but denial has prevented me from searching. perhaps i will start some more reading soon because dealing with infertility emotionally is not something they ever tell you about with the ttc process. or maybe they do but we don’t listen because we think it will never be us..


3 comments on “getting rid of the weight: part II (for monika)

  1. Thorn
    December 29, 2008

    This isn’t exactly “What to Expect…” But I read Elizabeth McCracken’s An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, a memoir about her stillbirth and how it changed her concepts of self and motherhood and her journey toward healthiness by overcoming what-ifs and if-onlys. It’s just a superbly written book and I connected to it even though it doesn’t really overlap my own story at all. It got a lot of good responses on various infertility blogs. I wouldn’t want to suggest it if it would scare you during A’s pregnancy, but in the long run I absolutely recommend it.

    I wish I could respond to the rest of your post, but all I can really say is that I hear you and I’m glad you’re going to keep talking.


  2. Lyn
    December 29, 2008

    You are really in an interesting (and difficult) place because you are feeling outside the TTC world, but you are also expecting Pepita, which certainly puts you solidly inside the queer parenting world (which of course overlaps a ton with the TTC world). And yes, anger is a 100% reasonable response to what you are dealing with right now. Hang in there.


  3. Monika "paradisebird"
    December 30, 2008

    Dear liberationtheory,
    Oh,thank you-again. I haven`t expected a reaction from you so i am really surprised and touched. i really hope i haven`t said anything which makes you feel uncomfortable or creates negative feelings.if so i would like to apologize.
    i really appreciate that you are sharing your feelings and do not sugar-coat your journey. not being angry in this situation means (for me) not being honest.
    Perhaps it wasn`t your intention but your words have put weights from my shoulders and it is still not there again..
    if you ever decide to write this book you are looking for i`d buy it in the moment it is published.
    I do not know what to write now because i am still overwhelmed.
    thank you so much,


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This entry was posted on December 29, 2008 by in infertility/ttc, ttc, Uncategorized and tagged , .

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