reflections: here i stand

i have been composing blogs in my mind for days now, but haven’t found the time to put pencil to paper (or fingers to keys in this instance). the culmination of that failure to articulate my thoughts (mostly surrounding parenthood, cohabitating with a 3rd trimester wife, the mourning of my fertility) brings me to this place now.

i just finished reading O for this month and glancing at the time- it’s the 11th hour and those numbers, the 11s and repeated 1’s, have sustained me all summer. something struck me in oprah’s words. she said that despite her falling off the wagon again with the weight-loss melodrama, this year she is focusing on living her best life  spiritually, emotionally, and physically. she took note of how the weight gain began. it started off as simply staying up too late with anxiety, perhaps her hyperthyroidism, or just not being mindful of sleep. that infringed on her meditation time. then with that, her gratitude journal took the backseat. next, her luxurious bath time, and finally exercising and eating right. 

i feel like my downward spiral has happened the same way, but perhaps coinciding with moving to texas with so many new identities that i was quite frankly anxious about– in a new place with no friends, not in “my” space, left my home behind, in a new role as a wife and not just a long distance girlfriend, in a new job. so much negotiating (which i mistook to mean relinquishing) that at the end of the day i no longer recognized myself. and the pounds climbed on. i have reached a number i have never seen before. most people that see me, especially here in texas admonish me as vain- truly it’s not THAT big of a deal but to me it symbolizes so much more- a true sense of separation from my own body. 

in an attempt to remedy it, i’ve joined a half dozen weight loss challenge. and i’ve experienced my first setbacks: not wanting to wake up at 4:30, discouraged that i lost a measly 2 pounds after giving up virtually all junk food (which ate no less than twice a day), my wii yelling at me (yes i mean that. you should get one.. they guilt you into working out).

however, i wonder if instead of fighting this, i should just work on being me and being happy. maybe i should focus on restoring the peace i used to have. i’ve begun therapy which has been GREAT, i ordered a few new hair products (i feel really guilty about spending money on myself), and i feel a little bit more empowered again. i’m even not intimidated to cook dinner any more (i used to very much so b/c A is so much better at cooking than i am, but i can’t rely on the fickleness of a pregnant woman to decide what’s for dinner in the 11th hour so i have taken it upon myself to be lunch maker and dinner cooker).

so here are the baby steps that i want to take:

• continue with therapy
  
• continue making meals
  
• meditate regularly
  
• celebrate when i do work out and forgive myself when i don’t
  
• write affirmations again

thank you all for continuing to be a part of my journey.