love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
i’ve been having a hell of a week and somehow couldn’t find my voice in the midst of it.
the beginning of my emotional meltdown started off with e-drama. i know i shouldn’t let anything like that get to me, or that i shouldn’t give it my energy. but i did and it did. it got to the point that i felt anxious about going on my own blog because the hatred is just that strong. then my other issues got to me and by tuesday i had a full on meltdown. complete with slinging snot and calling out of work (10 minutes before school started). i got my teeth pulled tuesday afternoon and though i was able to go back to work the next day, when my meds wear off, it’s BAD.
luckily, this was therapy week for me too and i was able to get so much of it out. i feel bad. my sessions are supposed to be 45 minutes, but invariably they go 1.5 hours. but J (my therapist) is the best. she is just what i wanted in a therapist– gives me the chance to uncover the causes of it all, but also gives equal weight to learning new tools to cope and get beyond it.
she also brought up meds. never in my life did i think that i would be a person that needed antidepressants. but i guess i fit the bill. see, when i wrote my previous list about the stages of what women who are ttc and then become infertile are going through, people (the e-ballerz) felt as though i thought i was exempt from that list. but that downward spiral has been very much a part of who i am. i won’t say that i’m bitter, but instead it has exacerbated every feeling of disappointment and failure that i’ve ever experienced. and once that cover had been ripped off, i was completely exposed for what i always wonder about– am i failure?
J told me that people can’t be failures but that their behaviors can fail to meet certain measures but that’s normal. i am having a hard time accepting that, but i’m considering it. all i do know is that i’m tired of feeling sad and miserable. i can’t sleep through the night (even on vicoden, i wake up every hour on the hour) and i feel so out of touch with myself. i started some herbal mood enhancers (st. john’s wort, fish oil, b12) and i hope those work. if not, i guess i’ll join millions of others with the pharmaceuticals.
thanks for listening.