love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
life changes so i havent been here in a minute.. mostly b/c i wanted to marinate in my own thoughts, partially b/c i didnt want certain ppl reading it and finding out things they couldnt handle.. but i need my peace, and part of my peace are my words.
a couple of months ago i posted about being stuck and many ppl remarked that it’s because i was in the midst of change. i couldnt see the light at the end of the tunnel but i knew it was there. it’s amazing how life never turns out how you expect it but it’s always better than you dreamed.
case in point.
after that post, i started meditating more regularly (i’ve since fallen off but that’s not the point right now) and praying for the Divine to just make a path for me, to reveal to me what i was supposed to be doing, to order my steps. i just wanted peace. so as i’ve become more in tune with Self, i started loving me more in all of my faults and perfections, my inconsistencies and my passions. and all the things that were NOT in line with this peaceful, liberated me started to grow more uncomortable and to fall away. hence, my break up. and i’m not gonna front like it was all her fault, that if she had been different we would be together. but rather, i realized that i was no longer living my dreams.. i was putting my life on hold by banking on potential, thinking that if i could just be more perfect and less needy and more ____ *fill in the blank with whatever impossible expectation* then i will be loved in the way i wanted. meditation led to many epiphanies. one of which was the the buddhist philosophy (well universal truth) that says there is no future b/c it hasnt been written yet. there is no past because it is over. all you have is the moment. this. very. moment. and that’s it. i woke up and looked at myself and asked “what are YOU waiting for? why are you waiting for HER to decided whether she wants to be with you and be committed to you? is this the life you envisioned??” and i was strong enough to walk away.
and there’s more.
so when i walked away and was in utter peace, the love of my life was standing before my eyes.. she had been there all along, waiting, being a friend, loving me, and supporting me without judging, name calling or even expecting me to love her back. and i began to voice what’s been brewing inside of me (any of yall that dared to pay attn to my blog comments may have seen the pattern..) and stepped out in complete confidence that my life is unfolding just the way it’s supposed to be, not bound by rules or regulations, supposed to’s or shoulds. but just stepping out on faith, love, and confidence in my decisions.
and there she is..
so yall, i’m love. i’m in love with Self. i’m love with her. i’m in love with my life. i’m in love with the present. i am liberation. libertad. liberty.