love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
i forgot to blog about this. for some reason, it just came back. i’m kinda tired so i’m not going to give the blow by blow account, but will preface it by saying that the anxiety underlying this is totally my life right now.
last night i dreamt that i was getting married to A. i guess in the dream we hadn’t been. unlike our wedding irl, this was to be a total traditional affair, i mean as traditional as a same-sex marriage can be. everyone had arrived in town for the affair and were running around getting ready for the festivities. since it was in my hometown and involving my family, the alcohol had been flowing freely since the few days before. everyone kept asking me if i was excited and i was, but i was also scared because i didnt know what to expect from marriage, what kind of change my life would go through. the time got nearer to the ceremony and i realized that everyone was so busy having fun “on my behalf” (or so they liked to think) that they totally neglected me. no one was there to help me put on my dress or do my hair or help with makeup. i was totally ignored while they celebrated and i was so distraught and kept repeating (or maybe the observing, dreaming me was saying) “what about my needs, what about my needs”. then i woke up.
this is my life.