love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
For the sake of being transparent, especially for those that think I have it all together, here I stand.
I’m tired. I’ve been feeling so much anxiety these past few days and it’s felt like I’m destined for failure. I often feel like I’m being punished, am not good enough, and mess up everything I attempt. I know you never promised it would be easy but I find myself being so unsure about everything and all the good qualities I thought I possessed. I don’t want it to be this way, but I’m so unsure of what to do and have little confidence that I can do anything in a sustained way. I just want to BE and be at ease knowing that I’m loved and I’m worth loving. I want to love myself completely so that I can stand in the face of anything that comes my way and not have my self-esteem rocked because of it. I always think that everyone else deserves mercy and forgiveness and love, yet I don’t see how I’m receiving that or am good enough for it. I know you must be working on me and I’m scared that I’m not humble enough or not faithful enough. But as I write this, I realize that I’ve been acting as if mercy and love and forgiveness are prizes to be won. Is it possible that I am allowed those without having done anything at all? How do I learn to have those for myself?
Lord as I embark on this journey to love my Self more and rediscover my Self, please let me do it with pure intentions—not to win a prize, not to win accolades, not to win approval, not even to win love. Please let me do it because it is essential to my Self and to my merging of my soul with yours. Please let me do it because it sustains my Self and allows me to be humble with others. Please let me do it so that I can be more loving and accepting and honorable. Please let me do it so that I can be a testament to your will and mercy and forgiveness.
In your son’s name I pray,