love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
I feel something new building in me.
I’m starting to get excited about this IVP cycle. At first I had the negative thought-pattern that because things were working so well, that was a sign that it’s going to go wrong (again). But you know what? Maybe it’s not. Maybe things are in sync now and it’s my time. Whatever the outcome, I feel immensely blessed to have the insurance to do this. (Did I tell you that they are covering 100% with no deductible or copay. Sweet baby Jesus). I feel blessed to have soooo much knowledge and support out there via the internet, blogs, and online communities. I feel a little bit more in control and fearless this time around, and it’s not because it’s an IVF cycle. It’s more because I feel informed and proactive and not at the mercy of circumstances. I CAN do this.
I’ve also been entertaining the thought that maybe I want to do something completely different from education. I’ve been thinking about a question posed in O this month. Or I think it’s this month. I’m so behind and have stacks of magazines to catch up on. Anyway, the question was to the effect of “what is it that you can find yourself absorbed in for hours without thinking, that brings you intrinsic joy?” For me, that’s writing. And reading. Now I’m passionate about education, especially of brown and poor children. But as the years go on, I’m finding it less and less sustaining for me. I believe in service, but maybe there’s a better way. Maybe I don’t have to be Mother Theresa. Maybe I can be Maxine’s granddaughter and do the things that she couldn’t because she was always giving and giving and giving.
Today I was home because we had a holiday from school. I had so much pleasure just preparing a home for my family, pecking away the computer, taking coffee (decaf) breaks, and just being. I know that once before when I had this opportunity last year this time, I didn’t appreciate it and just wanted to be away. I’m not sure if those were feelings authentically about being a SAHM or was that uneasiness about being a mother or feelings of fear about not having a traditional job. But whatever it was, today I actually had joy just doing things that made me happy and my family a little more comfortable.
I’m not sure where all this will lead me, whether it’s to doing something radically different or to a new way to relate to the activities that I participate in (work, school, family, me), but I’m thankful for this shift.