l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

love, life, and the pursuit of liberation

reality: fear

I don’t want to give up hope but I’m scared. I tested again this morning and it was very, very faint. I keep telling myself not to worry because I’m still only 11 days post ovulation, but I am scared. I don’t want to give in to the fear, though. I want to believe that if I have enough faith then I’ll be pregnant. But I know fertility is not a factor of faith, but I have to use everything in my “magic bag.”

And then the other feelings.

Trying not to be livid when I look at fellow bloggers who are on baby #2 when we all started at the same time. Trying to shake the feelings of dread when I open up google reader and worry that someone’s next blog post is the “yay, we’re pregnant” announcement. And then feeling even worse because someone might be feeling the same about me (if I’m indeed pregnant or just because I was able to do IVF). And scared that I don’t have that smell thing like last time that was a sure fire pregnancy sign. But trying to be reassured that at least I’m not cramping like last time (and trying to pretend that it’s not the progesterone shots that are the reason for lack of cramping. A bit worried that my boobs don’t hurt as bad as it did earlier in the week.

I just want Saturday to hurry up and come. I’m considering not testing again. Just considering. I’m also considering not reading any other ttc blogs. Just considering.


7 comments on “reality: fear

  1. KJ
    December 13, 2010

    I am going to keep sending you positive vibes, that is the best got!


  2. Monika
    December 13, 2010

    ((((((Hugs)))))))). I am hoping with you that the lines get fatter day by day. xoxo, Moni


  3. Corey
    December 13, 2010

    One more day is over.

    Stay off blogs. Watch as much garbage television as you can. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.

    Get the books “The Hunger Games”.. you will read and read and read and read and suddenly it will be Saturday and you will realize you have not looked up once.

    I’m praying for you.


    • liberationtheory
      December 13, 2010

      Thank you for your words. I will continue blogging but going to stay away from reading ttc blogs (maybe all blogs b/c everything makes me weep).

      And maybe I should do these two ginormous papers that are due on Monday that I have yet to start in order to distract myself.

      Yes, one more day down.

      I’m also going to try to stop testing.


  4. rachelbk
    December 13, 2010

    Do whatever it is you need to do. Take care of yourself, body and soul. I’m hoping and praying for you!


  5. Thorn
    December 13, 2010

    It’s hard, yeah, to see things working out for other peopoe when they don’t seem to be for you. I know there’s nothing for you to do but wait, and I appreciate that you’re sharing your process.

    Got any cute LA stories to pass the time for you and us? (And I hope this isn’t the kind of thing you don’t want to read, but I can assure you that your boobs hurt more when they get kicked by a gymnastically inclined three-year-old. Ask me how I know!)


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