love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
I don’t want to give up hope but I’m scared. I tested again this morning and it was very, very faint. I keep telling myself not to worry because I’m still only 11 days post ovulation, but I am scared. I don’t want to give in to the fear, though. I want to believe that if I have enough faith then I’ll be pregnant. But I know fertility is not a factor of faith, but I have to use everything in my “magic bag.”
And then the other feelings.
Trying not to be livid when I look at fellow bloggers who are on baby #2 when we all started at the same time. Trying to shake the feelings of dread when I open up google reader and worry that someone’s next blog post is the “yay, we’re pregnant” announcement. And then feeling even worse because someone might be feeling the same about me (if I’m indeed pregnant or just because I was able to do IVF). And scared that I don’t have that smell thing like last time that was a sure fire pregnancy sign. But trying to be reassured that at least I’m not cramping like last time (and trying to pretend that it’s not the progesterone shots that are the reason for lack of cramping. A bit worried that my boobs don’t hurt as bad as it did earlier in the week.
I just want Saturday to hurry up and come. I’m considering not testing again. Just considering. I’m also considering not reading any other ttc blogs. Just considering.