l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

love, life, and the pursuit of liberation

scattered thoughts

This has been a hard post to write. Partially because I didn’t want to deal with the feelings that are surfacing. Partially because I wasn’t quite sure WHAT I felt. Partially because I’m still trying to make sense of it all in my mind.

I managed to decrease my twitter and blogs for a few days and just throw myself into finishing up starting final papers for grad school. Then yesterday, it finally hit me that, once again, I’m not pregnant. There I was, plugging along from 2 days of consecutive all-nighters, trying to squeeze out the last bits of a paper during my break at work. I received word about someone else’s ttc journey and just completely broke into the ugly cry. I’m just so MAD and feel so cheated that everyone else is able to get pregnant but me. Even people that I feel don’t deserve it. Why don’t *I* deserve it?

Later I tried to rationalize that maybe this is God’s way of saying I’m not ready yet, that there are things that I still need to reconcile. But even that line of thinking doesn’t sit well with me. It makes this damn infertility my fault and something that I can control. And it’s not.

I’m not sure what I should be doing next. I’m scared that my ttc may end before I ever get pregnant. I’m not sure how many tries I’m allowed with my insurance and truthfully, I’m scared to ask. I know that clinically, there is no additional benefit of trying beyond 3 IVF cycles. If that’s the case, I have just two tries left. That’s scary.

Next steps- I am enjoying myself over the Christmas break with my family back home in Cali. I’ll start my LAST semester of grad school at the end of January. I’ll start my thesis project in January and start applying to schools for my PhD. Somewhere in there, I’ll gather up the nerve to meet with my RE again. I was told to wait at least 3 weeks before seeing her.

Life will continue

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6 comments on “scattered thoughts

  1. Corey
    December 21, 2010

    It’s not right. And it’s not fair. And it sucks. And I’m sorry.

    Like

  2. KJ
    December 21, 2010

    big hug to you…

    Like

  3. halfadozen
    December 21, 2010

    I totally get your frustration, your despair, your rage… I am there too. There is nothing we can do, nothing we can say… Its all so very out of our hands. I send hugs and wishes of peace from here…

    Like

  4. Monika
    December 21, 2010

    Glad to hear from you. No, it is not fair. And you deserve to be pregnant and have healthy happy babies as much as everyone else.
    And it isn’t your fault. Has never been and will never be!!!
    I’m taking the seat next to you and halfadozen…..yes, life will go on and we will have our children one day.
    Because not only we deserve. They deserve, too.

    Like

  5. VinyRenee
    December 21, 2010

    This is definitely not yor fault.

    And let me just say, I’m so proud of everything you’re accomplishing. Just reading your tweets the last couple of days have exhausted ME! You’re amazing! Congrats on 1 more semester!

    Like

  6. liberationtheory
    December 21, 2010

    Thank you everybody for your kind words. This is a gut-wrenching process, and it enrages me that people take it so lightly or abuse their ability to get pregnant.

    @Viny, honestly, most days (99%) I don’t feel very accomplished at all. I perpetually feel like I’m climbing and climbing, and ultimately going nowhere or gaining nothing. My mission in 2011 is to totally recreate my life. Every aspect of it. I need to make sure that my actions and energy align with my dreams.

    Like

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This entry was posted on December 21, 2010 by in faith and spirituality, infertility/ttc and tagged , .

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