love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
This has been a hard post to write. Partially because I didn’t want to deal with the feelings that are surfacing. Partially because I wasn’t quite sure WHAT I felt. Partially because I’m still trying to make sense of it all in my mind.
I managed to decrease my twitter and blogs for a few days and just throw myself into
finishing up starting final papers for grad school. Then yesterday, it finally hit me that, once again, I’m not pregnant. There I was, plugging along from 2 days of consecutive all-nighters, trying to squeeze out the last bits of a paper during my break at work. I received word about someone else’s ttc journey and just completely broke into the ugly cry. I’m just so MAD and feel so cheated that everyone else is able to get pregnant but me. Even people that I feel don’t deserve it. Why don’t *I* deserve it?
Later I tried to rationalize that maybe this is God’s way of saying I’m not ready yet, that there are things that I still need to reconcile. But even that line of thinking doesn’t sit well with me. It makes this damn infertility my fault and something that I can control. And it’s not.
I’m not sure what I should be doing next. I’m scared that my ttc may end before I ever get pregnant. I’m not sure how many tries I’m allowed with my insurance and truthfully, I’m scared to ask. I know that clinically, there is no additional benefit of trying beyond 3 IVF cycles. If that’s the case, I have just two tries left. That’s scary.
Next steps- I am enjoying myself over the Christmas break with my family back home in Cali. I’ll start my LAST semester of grad school at the end of January. I’ll start my thesis project in January and start applying to schools for my PhD. Somewhere in there, I’ll gather up the nerve to meet with my RE again. I was told to wait at least 3 weeks before seeing her.
Life will continue