l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

love, life, and the pursuit of liberation

when did you know?

For my non-hetero readers, when did you first consciously realize that you weren’t straight?

Backstory part 1- I realized that I may not be straight when I was about 14 years old. I didn’t want to accept it and fought hard not to be gay, but gave in around 16 years old. In retrospect, I realize I definitely had tendencies all along beginning around age 5 but wasn’t conscious that I was somehow different.

Backstory part 2- I’m reading one of my student’s stories and it’s glaringly “gay” to me. Though the story is supposed to be about this tragic event that happened to a girl’s best friend, the way that the student describes the friend has this seriously gay overtone that goes beyond best-friendness. It reminds me completely about how when I was in middle school, I thought my complete and utter adoration for women was just admiration and a strong desire to have a best friend. I realize now that the desire was my pre-sexual (and alot of times it went beyond pre-sexual) connection to women in a way that’s very different than friendship. My best friend is straight and I have loved her since I was 10ish. The adoration and desire for what I felt for other women was nothing like best friendship.

So this student writes this story and it’s dripping with lesbian tendencies. There’s even a scene when the best friends are walking hand and hand the main character (the author’s first person voice) tells the friend that she doesn’t need a boyfriend as long as she has her friendship and her education and they can be friends forever. There’s the physical description of the friend’s curves and body. Then there’s the scene at the end after the friend dies and the narrator is in a daze at school until she runs into a new girl in the hallway (the whole typical tv ran-into-him-dropped-books-starry-gaze scene) and becomes “friends” with her. Those are just the highlights and there are other parts to the story but those were the huge flags for me.

I actually had a non-teacher friend read this story to see if I was just reading too much into it and she said it was painfully obvious.

Here’s the clincher. This child is 10. TEN. As in, pre-teen. She is a very gifted writer and is easily the top student in her grade. Still, I don’t think that she has any idea how her story reads in terms of the overtones.

So my question for you dear rainbow readers, when did you first realize that you weren’t straight?

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5 comments on “when did you know?

  1. shea
    January 10, 2011

    i was around 7 or 8 years old. i remember wanting to be more than friends with some of my young girl friends. the way str8 little girls long to be kissed by a boy..i wanted to kiss and be kissed by a girl. i remember being in the 3rd grade and being extremely obsessed over my lady teacher. when i was 13 or 14 i started having sexual thoughts about girls and when i was 16 i had my first girlfriend. so i knew at a very young age that i was different.

    Like

    • liberationtheory
      January 11, 2011

      You reminded me how I used to long to touch the soft wonderfulness of women from a young age. I wasn’t conscious of what it was about but I do know that I loved it. Such innocence 🙂

      Like

  2. isa
    January 11, 2011

    I got a huge crush on a girl at about 13, but couldn’t decide if I liked her or her boyfriend better. By the time I fell hopelessly in love with my best far-away friend at 16 my mom was in the process of coming out and it was decidedly TOO WEIRD for me to think about doing the same thing. Especially since I was equally happy having crushes on boys. So several lovely-but-not-lasting boyfriends (and one husband!) later, I moved in with a girl who announced on my first night there that she was going to be online dating looking for ladies. Three weeks afterwards I moved down the hall into her bedroom, and, with a few complications, here we are. Ta-daaa!

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    • liberationtheory
      January 11, 2011

      Wow, mom coming out at the same time? Definitely awkward! Thanks for sharing, especially about deciding which you wanted more- the friend or her boyfriend. I remember the thrill of being liked by boys but once I had a boyfriend, the excitement and attraction was dead.

      Good stuff!

      Like

  3. Foxy Brown
    January 17, 2011

    i first consciously realized i wasn’t straight when i was 22ish. once it hit me i was like ‘i’ll be damned. it makes so much sense’. like i said that out loud, lol. #finejudgeme! when i thought about it, i was like how could i have not known. i wasn’t necessarily attracted to girls but i didn’t care for boys. i kinda gravitated towards women though. when i started having sex, it was with dudes cause that’s what girls do, right? i didn’t grow up in a homophobic home. i just didn’t know there was another option. when i finally had sex with a girl (which came after my ‘maybe im gay’ conversation with myself), i finally experienced what all the love songs talked about. i saw stars and felt the earth move, lol. the way i felt with a girl was how my friends said they felt with guys.

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This entry was posted on January 10, 2011 by in sexuality and tagged , .

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