love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
Here’s a confession. I’m really scared about trying again. I don’t consciously think about it but I’m finding myself avoiding, which is my major MO when I’m afraid of being wrong, incompetent, etc (just caught myself clenching my teeth as I typed that).
I had another uterine saline sono scheduled for Tuesday where they were going to use a fiber optic camera instead of a regular ultrasound. I knew the previous week that Tuesday wouldn’t work for me because I had just taken a half-day off to pick up LA who was sick from school. Instead of cancelling last week, I waited until the morning of. I called 3 different times and couldn’t get ahold of anyone at the office, so I simply didn’t show up. And then avoided subsequent phone calls and voicemails. And didn’t tell A until yesterday that it was supposed to be on Tuesday and I didn’t go.
I feel like such a flake.
Part of me wants to run and not think about it. The other part of me knows I need to face the fear and face the feelings of inadequacy (infertility AND missing the appointment). But at this moment, I”m not there yet. I do know that I have to deal with this because I don’t want to fall into the rut where I don’t try again for months or even a year (see the timeline for my other breaks), but I know this feeling too well.
I have to fight through it.
Sidenote: I *think* I’m ovulating. I haven’t felt anything until about 3 days ago and it’s painful twinge city with lots of CM. But it’s alternating each side and has been going on for 3 days instead of the customary 2 hours on one side. I also had the intense shooting pain that I get with ovarian cysts, but not bad enough to be hospitalized like what happened back in ’92. So either my body is all sorts of out of wack (totally possible considering the meds I was on), I’m ovulating multiple eggs, or I’m not ovulating at all and this is something completely different. Who knows.