love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
First off– Thank you readers for sticking with me. I know I haven’t blogged as regularly as I had been and it’s not for lack of time, but more so for lack of words (surprise!). I’ve been having so much going on in my mind and needed the time to just let it become clear to me exactly what it is I think and feel.
For the past few weeks, my overachiver anxiety has been kicking in high gear. This is my last semester of grad school and my program typically calls for a major study/research project to be conducted. This project is student designed and involves working with an agency to examine and critique one of their educational policies. That means that I would have to 1) find an agency that addresses my field of interest- teacher sustainability 2) conduct interviews 3) gather data 4) conduct additional research 5) crunch the data (stats and such) and 6) write. This is to be done on top of the complimentary class, plus another class I have to take. Oh yeah, don’t forget that I work 50-60 hours a week plus am a parent to a toddler and a wife. And there’s that little thing called trying to conceive too.
To say this is a lot is beyond an understatement. I met with my advisor twice over the fall to narrow down policy question and was supposed to get back to her about the agency I’m choosing. I dragged my feet on it HARD and simply procrastinated. I tried to sit back and think about why I was procrastinating so hard– was it out of simple laziness, out of fear of the amount of work I’ll have to do this coming semester, fear of not doing well on the project or what. It came down to the fact that I needed to choose option B–comprehensive exams in lieu of the thesis project– and I was scared that I was taking the “easy” way out. I was also scared of telling my advisor and head of department because I didn’t want them to see me as a slacker, considering I just got a C in one of my classes last semester which is something I NEVER do. I only have 3 B+ on my transcripts out of 12 classes so a C threw me for a complete loop (the reason for the C is another story.. complete asshole of a professor, but I digress).
I finally emailed my professors to tell them that I was choosing the comp exams, but I had to have my friend EM talk me through it because my heart was pacing and fear had fully set it. As it always works out, my advisor emailed me back basically agreeing that I was taking on too much and that she hopes to work with me on my research in the future. My dept head said nothing except that they are working on the guidelines for the comp exams and will keep me updated.
So what does this teach me? 1) I CAN get beyond my over-achiever tendencies. 2) I CAN get through the fear, though I can’t guarantee it won’t always be there in some way. 3) Fear is so useless!! Nothing good ever comes from it.
So why am I having a hard time applying these lessons to my job situation? Part 2 to come.