l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

love, life, and the pursuit of liberation

highs and lows/when only faith will do

I can’t believe almost a month since last I’ve blogged. In this past month, I’ve:

  • studied and sat for my comprehensive exams
  • visited Texas for an entire week
  • switched RE’s
  • got all my biopsy and hsg results back. completely normal
  • did a glucose fasting test to see if i’m pre-diabetic/truly pcos
  • made it to the final rounds of a job I really want and wants to relocate me and the girls to the Big Easy
  • am set to graduate on may 17th
All those have been wonderful, though I’m running on fumes (and still not done with final projects for grad school).
But not without some lows.
  • Sperm was supposed to be transferred from old RE to new RE. Old RE realized when the courier was there that they didn’t have a necessary form, despite assuring us previously we were all set to go. $400 wasted b/c the courier still went and attempted so it’s not their problem, per se. Then we get the proper form signed and notarized only to be told that it was invalid b/c I was supposed to sign it, not A, though the form specified “purchaser” and the card we used was in her name. The old RE said they’ll foot the bill for the transport which is still pending.
  • I started on stupid birth control as a way to supress my cycle. I was supposed to skip the blank weeks and be ready to start lupron about now. But I’ve been bleeding for the past two weeks. Spoke to the new RE and they want me to come off the pill, have a whole “real” cycle before starting. Which, I’m assuming means that I have to wait another 20 days for a cycle. Do baselines and such. Wait until CD20 for lupron and then start stims. That’s another 2.5 months that I don’t really have.
  • I’m in final rounds of a new job. It’s supposed to start early July. Even if they do cover IVF which I highly, highly doubt, the timing would conflict. Even if I didn’t have to start so soon, my IVF coverage ends June 30th if I leave my job. So it looks like I have to stay with the current job, though the new one would have meant leaving the classroom, using my degree, a move to a place with a yard and such for LA, lower cost of living. I’m still going for the final interview where I’m scheduled to meet all the higher ups and have lunches, etc. At least it’ll feel good knowing that I “could” do it.

While all this was happening, I looked up and saw a bumper sticker that said “with God, all things are possible.” I know that every single time when I couldn’t see what the road ahead would be, a way has been made. I’m praying that this is the case again. I’m holding up my end by just taking one step at a time, though God knows I just want to give up and stop it all. Everything work out how it’s supposed to, I suppose.

The truth is, I’m so tired of being at the whim of the medical profession. I’ve been trying to start IVF 2.0 since January/February to be delayed by all the unnecessary tests they wanted. And now by this stupid birth control pill and misinformation.

The truth is, I wish that my body would just get pregnant like normal people’s do. That I didn’t have to do this and I could just pinpoint ovulation, inseminate and be done. Instead, all indications say that it is “normal” but it’s responding as if it’s not. Nothing left for “me” to do I suppose except accept.


10 comments on “highs and lows/when only faith will do

  1. isa
    May 3, 2011

    I’m sorry that things aren’t working out well–it seemed so good at the start of this post. Would the new job give you enough money to pay for IVF so even if it isn’t covered it could still be possible? Could you push back your leave date from your job until the end of July instead? I hope this all sorts itself out in the best possible way for you.


    • liberationtheory
      May 6, 2011

      I hadn’t thought about a possible pay differential. A also brought up the point that I could pay for cobra through my job and use that insurance to finish covering anything in case I need to. I also ovulated (I think) so I may be able to squeeze the try in before I have to leave. So many options!!! Thanks for helping me think beyond doom and gloom.


  2. rastagalnj
    May 3, 2011

    I am so damn proud of you….YOU ARE AMAZING! Look at what you have accomplished while being one of the best mom’s I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I know how frustrating this is for you, and I will not belittle it by saying anything cliched. I do not understand nor know why you have not gotten pregnant yet but I believe that when you do, it will be the most extraordinary thing ever. Keep believing, pushing and holding on…the best is yet to come.


    • liberationtheory
      May 6, 2011

      I don’t feel amazing but thanks for putting a smile on my face. I needed it šŸ™‚


  3. laniza
    May 3, 2011

    I agree with isa–this new job sounds so perfect for you! Claim it!! Don’t let it slip away ’cause you’ve been manifesting this for awhile.


    • liberationtheory
      May 6, 2011

      You are right. I must be having this opportunity for a reason!


  4. weddedwife
    May 4, 2011

    Sending you love strength and hope. New Orleans…I’ve never been there but if the job sounds right go for it. You are doing a lot of wonderful things…keep moving forward.


    • liberationtheory
      May 6, 2011

      Thanks so much. They’re still deciding whether they will keep me in NYC or NOLA but we shall see soon.


  5. halfadozen
    May 6, 2011

    It is good you are still going for that interview. because you never know, till you REALLY have a decision to make, which one you will make. I have been in that position before and ended up deciding something totally different than I thought I would. And now I know that it was the right decision, even if making it was hard and some of the outcomes were hard. And you will be less likely to second guess yourself if you have fully weighed all available options.
    I also know how hard and frustrating the waiting game is. Heck, IVF 2.0 STARTED, for us, in Sept and didn’t result in a real cycle until march. Keep marching forward, eye on the prize. But don’t forget that the journey is as important as getting to the end. When these road blocks come up, there is something to learn, whether we want to or not (are you tempted to kick me for saying such things? Because I am tempted to kick myself! but I DO want to encourage you along, because if you do have to wait, you may as well get something out of it, right?) Stay strong…


    • liberationtheory
      May 6, 2011

      You are absolutely right on so many levels. I went for the job interview and will get the official word next week or early in the week after that.

      You are also infinitely right that there is something to learn, even when we don’t want to admit. I’m learning so much already– patience, acceptance, trust, divine timing, and more. I can’t say I’ve mastered the lessons but I definitely “get” why I’m here now and it’s not a punishment.

      Thank you for your continued support!


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This entry was posted on May 2, 2011 by in faith and spirituality, family, infertility/ttc and tagged , .

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