love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
I’ve been reluctant to update you all about ttc, and I’m not exactly sure why. I don’t know if it’s lack of faith that it’s happening, not sure if it’s because I’m not completely sold that I need IVF or what’s going on. Warning: The following is my processing about my fertility challenges. It is not meant to be a synopsis on what’s going on with every warning and only apply it to yourself if it resonates for you. I expect that there are some that may feel put-off by it. It is not my intention to offend, but if it stirs up something in you, I challenge you to process why. I venture to say that pain is a sign of resistance.
For the purely medical update on what’s going on with my body, scroll down.
More on that. I’ve gone back and forth about my self-identification as infertile. On one hand, it’s been helpful because it’s connected me with a TON of wonderfully supportive women and information that have been imperative to where I’m at now. However, it’s been a bit damaging on a emotional, spiritual, and mental level for me.
Emotionally, sometimes it gets draining because for every supportive woman that I’ve found, there have been 2 that are simply stuck in anger and resentment. Understandably so. However, when the personal frustration ventures into anti-pregnant woman/mother because of perceived slights (a slight can be as simple as someone “daring” to be pregnant when I can’t) it’s no longer healthy. Again, I completely get the feelings. I’ve participated more than I am proud of. But at the end of the day, all it does for me is help me stay stuck in feeling undeserving, slighted, and bitter– none of which affirm life, helps me truly cope (just commiserate) or feel any better afterwards. Furthermore, I’m moving away from believing that my inability to conceive right now is a punishment any more than someone being able to conceive is a reward. Being stuck in the bitterness doesn’t allow me to see other possibilities for what’s going on.
Spiritually, I no longer find it affirming to define myself in terms of lack. “Infertile” defines what I haven’t been able to do, but may not be accurate to describe what I can do. The more I curse my situation, the more I’m affirming lack and negativity and detract from affirming all the blessings that are currently here or are in the works. The more I think that it’s up to me to figure out and control, the more I detract from my gratitude, faith and affirmation. Again, I’m talking about me and am not making assumptions about other women going through similar challenges. For me, faith and trust have been serious challenges. The more I deny and resist, the more lessons that come up that reminds me of how much I need it. Simply put from last Sunday’s sermon “Am I talking God or failure?”
Mentally, I can’t make sense of calling myself “infertile” because there is no scientific medical reason that I haven’t conceived. I’ve had more extensive testing done in these past few months to rule out EVERYTHING physical– my tubes are fine, biopsies are normal, uterine and tubal hsgs (don’t feel like looking up the spellings and acronyms) all come back normal, glucose and insulin tests– normal, not even borderline to indicate PCOS, thyroid and all of my androgen levels– normal. And I’ve had repeats of these tests. Normal. For me that’s confirmation that there’s nothing wrong with my body but I’ve focused on how it’s not working that I’ve developed an unhealthy relationship with it.
For me, the bottom line is that there is something going on in the spiritual and emotional realms that need healing. However, pregnancy won’t be my “reward” because it’s not a prize to the most deserving, nor is an inability a punishment. It simply IS and can present an opportunity to grow in other areas and for me (or us?) to be clear about what it is that I’m avoiding thinking, feeling, being, saying, acknowledging, facing.
This is where I stand in this moment. It’s not to say that I’m above anger, fear, or sadness. It’s me seeing that maybe there’s another possibility out there besides fertile/infertile.
For those of you that have hung in there, here’s the medical update 🙂 :
I’ve FINALLY had my period after 76 days. That previous birth control really effed my system up. In the midst of that 76 days, I had some kind of bleeding though I don’t know what it was since it lasted 2 weeks and was more than spotting. There was some miscommunication with the new RE, nurse coordinator, and myself about when I’m starting my stims but the bottom line is that I started another type of birth control pill last Monday, will go in for my “go” visit to start Lupron on the 5th of July and then start stimulation on the week of the 19th. Those numbers are just approximations. I go away for a work retreat the week of the 11th, but will be working from home indefinitely before and after that. Perhaps it’s the season to make a baby.