love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
13 tries ago I was beside myself with excitement to test. I bought a variety of kinds of tests and just KNEW that I was going to see the magic double lines or plus or “pregnant.”
13 tries later I’m terrified of testing day. It’s like the days are going in warp speed. I checked my phone today to see if it was really Thursday. Did three full days really pass in this work week already? I look at my calendar for the next two days. Four lonely meetings– 1 in-person with a perspective donor (the monetary kind, not the sperm type) and 3 phone calls. That’s it.
I’m trying to decide if the queasiness I feel in my stomach is nerves or the fact that now I MUST eat a real meal before 9 am. I’m trying to decide if indeed the air conditioner is really broken, the sudden hot flashes of the past two days really signal something is going on with my body, or is it fear.
Right now I must eat to stop my shaky hands.