l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

love, life, and the pursuit of liberation

bruises, bills, and blood: I feel..

  • I feel like I’m in a funk that I can’t seem to shake.
  • I feel like everything’s going in slow motion and I have no energy.
  • I feel like I have no energy to deal with people and their “help.”
  • I feel like I can’t look at the bright side or see the silver lining.
  • I feel like I’m cursed, like someone put roots on me.
  • I feel misunderstood, trivialized, and dismissed.
  • I feel so grateful for those who just listen.
  • I feel so loved by my wife.
  • I feel like I have so many wonderful things going for me and my family and I can’t enjoy it.
  • I feel like a failure, like even dogs and crackheads can make babies. But I can’t.
  • I feel unable to count my blessings.
  • I feel like I’ve been betrayed by God. I know I’m no more special than another woman that’s battling infertility, but I feel so hurt that the signs and feelings and messages have meant nothing to this point.
  • I feel lost.
  • I feel like I don’t know what to do.
  • I feel like no matter what I do– health-wise, spiritually, mentally– doesn’t matter in terms of getting pregnant.
  • I feel angry at every woman that complains about having a baby.
  • I feel angry at every woman that’s had an abortion.
  • I feel like my feelings are unfair but I have no energy to care.
  • I feel like just about the whole world, minus a very few, can kiss my ass and I could care less.
  • I feel like I don’t care about biting my tongue and sparing other people’s feelings.
  • I feel like I’m being selfish and mean.
  • I feel like I can’t manage my feelings.
  • I feel like this entire process sucks and I have nothing to show for it but bruises, bills, and blood.
  • I feel terrified when I see what could/should/was my baby coming out of me.

6 comments on “bruises, bills, and blood: I feel..

  1. Taheerah
    August 19, 2011

    Thank you for this. When I get frustrated with TTC I am unable to articulate my words, but this pretty much sums up how I feels as well. All my emotions, thoughts, and actions seem selfish, but in those moments I feel justified. I am tired, and unfortunately, increasingly envious and bitter.


  2. halfadozen
    August 19, 2011

    x and x and x and more xxxxxx. And feel what you feel and don;t feel bad for it. But just know you ARE NOT a failure. You may feel like one, but you are NOT one. I know the pain (or my own version of it), I know the despair, and I know there is nothing to say to make it better. But you know you are not alone…


  3. poetrystruth
    August 19, 2011

    When you feel like you’re going through hell…keep going…don’t stop.

    Sorry Lib that’s all I got. (((HUGS)))


  4. Autumn
    August 20, 2011

    *sigh* Sending much love and many hugs your way.


  5. Monika
    August 23, 2011



  6. The Next Beyond
    August 24, 2011

    “bruises, bills and blood” is one of the more beautiful phrases I’ve read lately


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