love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
You know how I was writing a while back about how God gives us winks and whispers to let us know when we’re on the right path? Well, I’ve been getting a ton and I’m afraid.
See, I’m of that new-fangled generation where I am not content with a 9-5, and have recently acknowledged my dream of being a writer, though I’ve been composing words since I was 4 years old. At first I thought it was just teaching that was monotonous, though I love working with/for kids. I prayed for YEARS to have a job where I could stay in education, but work from home, have a flexible schedule, and all the bells and whistles with a great salary.
Well, I have that now, yet I still dread Monday mornings, even if all it means is turning on the laptop. I rarely talk about work outside of work hours, and get irritable when my wife talks about her job. Though I love my job and impacting educational change, I am learning that this path isn’t my passion either. I realize that I got in education because I believe(d) it to be a liberating force, yet I don’t feel like this is the way.
But I’m afraid of complaining to God and the universe because, frankly, I’m too scared to burn the ship. I grew up in poverty and the thought of not having enough money or resources cripples me. It’s gotten so bad at points, that I was afraid to bills THOUGH I HAD THE MONEY because I was afraid of seeing so little left in my bank account. My mind perpetually lived in the land of “what if”- what if an emergency happened and all my money was spent? What if something happened with my job and that was the last of the money? What if, what if, what if. It’s taken me a LONG time to be okay (not completely healed) with spending money and having debt (damn school loans!), so the thought of launching out on my own path frightens me.
But God keeps winking at me. First in the sermon about being where you’re supposed to be. In Glamazini’s post Burn the Ships. In the increasing, pervasive restlessness. In the pure joy I get in writing. In the burgeoning writing opportunities.
I feel my what if’s shifting to consider being a full time, PAID, writer that sparks others to live for liberation. For now, I’m putting my big toe in the water and trying to shake the fear.