l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

love, life, and the pursuit of liberation

Authentically Me 7- My Body and Me

Source: augustempress.com via Aleia on Pinterest

A few months ago I did two sets of 30 day challenges born of a desire to reconnect to my body in an emotionally and physically healthy way. One of the side effects of infertility was this disconnect with my body as a spiritual house and all the trying to conceive activity caused me to see it as purely functional. Then when none of my tries or pregnancies worked, I developed a really unhealthy relationship with my body. The first challenge, a juicing one, was rather successful. I was gentle with myself, didn’t create too many rules, and was able to complete it, as well as lose some pounds. The next month, I attempted a 30 day physical challenge. I failed miserably. I may have gotten through one or two days before I gave up. I My same gentle approach didn’t work and life became an overwhelming excuse to avoid exercise. Besides, I have never been a physically active person save one year of gym fitness and random athletic attempts as a kid. Failure with exercise didn’t quite feel like failure because it was something that I never was good at. Instead, it felt like a return to my normal*; since I have a decent body shape, almost normal body weight, and am no longer trying to conceive, I didn’t have much reason to be concerned about my physical health.

Then the dreaded moment happened. About a month ago, I was at the playground with A and LA. They were on the swings, and I waved. My hand stopped, but my triceps didn’t. I was mortified. This had never happened before. A said she saw my whole moment in slow motion—the wide and cheery smile, the enthusiastic wave, my eyes staring at my hand as I processed its inertia but pondered where the sensation of movement was coming from, my slow glance traveling down my arm, and the look of sheer terror as I discovered the hammock that used to be triceps swaying in the wind.

I vowed at that moment to stop justifying my lack of activity and get in shape. PRONTO.

To do that, I had to take stock about what works for me and what doesn’t. I can’t be gentle with myself about exercise. I need drill sergeant accountability. I need routine. I need results. I need consequences. I need routine.

So with all that said, I’m embarking on a physical challenge again, this time with a plan and rules. Here they go:

1-      I shall work out in the early mornings. That way there are no wife, mama, working duties to interrupt. In the evenings I’m exhausted. In the mornings, I’m super focused and aware.

2-      I shall have a workout buddy. I have enlisted the help of J to harass the piss out of me. I’m afraid. Very afraid.

3-      I shall have consequences. I will not be allowed on my iPhone, Facebook, twitter, or blog until I have worked out. This is terrifying for me because I HATE my work BlackBerry, but I’ll be forced to use it as my primary phone if I don’t get the workout done.

4-      I shall have rewards. For the first month, I will be able to choose weekly rewards from the list I’ve generated. For the second month, I will be able to choose a reward biweekly. For the third month, I’ll be able to choose a big prize at the end. I’m excited.

5-      I shall focus on endurance and strength training via Insanity. Yes, I’m bringing out the big guns. I will feel like I have conquered the world if I can get through this. It will shatter my mindset about not being athletic or fit.

So this is it. When I get home, I will take my before picture. Maybe I’ll post it. Maybe I won’t. But 90 days from now, my body is going to be the SHIT and that’s because it’s the BOMB now and is ready to do that. (Okay even if I don’t 100% believe that about where I am right now, I can fake it until I make it J )

*I’ll write another post at another time about how I came to believe that I was not good at physical exercise and the roots of my body image.



15 comments on “Authentically Me 7- My Body and Me

  1. inspiredbybeatriceclay
    July 13, 2012

    WOOT WOOT! I am tempted to holler “I WANT IN” but I am terrified of #4! I love your clarity and focus with this. You sound like you got a serious plan and the best part, you enlisted your TRIBE! Us readers and J.! I am rooting for you! I think I am going back on my whole food clean eating. It was doing wonders for my mental health! I am INSPIRED!


    • liberationtheory
      July 13, 2012

      I am a whole lot scared but excited. I found the silver lining of my failures– it’s showed me a whole lot of things that don’t work for me. Here goes nothing!!!


  2. Mo
    July 13, 2012

    OMG, so I can totally feel you on ALL of this. I would like to take this challenge with you for real. I’ve been struggling to lose the weight AGAIN that I just recently regained. 😦 And I’m not happy at all at the way I gave up, with the way I feel, look or any of that. I will definitely be getting back on track and making more clear and defined rules for what will work this time around and I’m ready to do it. My sanity depends on it cause I’m about to drive myself crazy right now! I’m looking forward to the next 90 days so lets get on it! I’m terrified but I need to prove to myself (again) that I’m worth the effort.


    • liberationtheory
      July 13, 2012

      So what have you learned from your failure about what you need THIS time to keep at it? What’s your plan to succeed and you better not say use your same plan as before *mama hand on my hip*

      Do you need me to call you at 5:15am as well?? That’s when J is calling me on Monday (I’m scurred!)


  3. Autumn
    July 14, 2012

    Okay, I want in. I have been a lazy bones for the past few months and my ass is telling to get off of the couch. I’ll make my plan on Sunday night, set up my workout space and get my food plan done. Hmmm, maybe I’ll blog it for more accountability. I’ll take a before pic too.


    • liberationtheory
      July 14, 2012

      You should blog it! I’m about to post my before pics *yikes*


    • liberationtheory
      July 15, 2012

      Okay, I started a group on myfitnesspal.com. Look in your inbox for an invitation!


  4. Tawanda
    July 14, 2012

    Add Myfitnesspal as an app or on the website. Its a good resource for networking and support. Dramafreeme is my user name!


  5. Pingback: Authentically Me 8- T minus 2 days « l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

  6. Pingback: Authentically Me 9: The Power of Community « l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

  7. Dee
    July 28, 2012

    This is so me except I have been at this weight lost thing for years…and still failing miserably! The fact that I have no accountability (or will power) I believe has a lot to do with it. I have gym memberships, every beachbody work out ever made, all kinds of weight , dumbbells and things at home, yet I am still full of excuses. I think my diet is what is hindering. I know that I probably do not eat enough and when I am eating, I’m not necessarily payign attention to the nutritional content. I have My Fitness Pal but admittedly haven’t used it in ages. I’m interested in joining your group I’m 2bfitnfab on there…( lol I haven’t been on there in so long that I had to look up my username on my phone…Pitiful!)


    • liberationtheory
      July 28, 2012

      Before you join, I suggest you come up with a plan that matches your barriers. Using myfitnesspal is a good step because it’ll force you to be aware of your actual caloric intake (that’s 80% of your weight). Also if accountability is your issue, come up with extrinsic motivation (rewards AND consequences) and hard as nails accountability partners. Let me know if you’re on Facebook. I have a group there that’s very very active


  8. Pingback: Healing 1- The Breaks « l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

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