love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
In my quest to honor myself, I’ve been having epiphanies left and right. I’ve been spending time observing myself—my thought patterns, my actions, my habits, my patterns. While this has been deeply enlightening because I’ve gotten to realize some truths about myself and my needs, an even more profound observation has surfaced. I’m afraid of action. I can wax poetically about the metaphysical meanings of situations, analyze the cosmos, think, pray, think some more. But when it comes down to doing something about what I know deep in my gut is true and necessary, I freeze. I come up with all sorts of excuses and rationales, but the truth is that all that’s there are guilt and fear. In all my overthinking I discovered two distinct patterns:
1- Unless there’s a specific impetus or immediate reason, I’ll refrain from action. Therefore, I feel re-actions are permissible and valid.
2- Unless I have absolute certainty about my path or odds of success, I won’t entertain even a first step.
A friend pointed out that I’m afraid of failure. “Aren’t we all?” I asked. Then I realized that perhaps not. Most people can accept failure and move on. For me, failure is deeply personal. It means that I’ve failed as a human being and am bad and undeserving. I know that sounds crazy, but I realize that’s been my mental trap. When I stop and really think about it, the truth is that I’ve survived any and everything I truly “failed” at. And I’ve become better. So my fear of failure is false because my truth of failure has never been that bad. In fact it’s been transformative.
So where do I go from here? Taking the first step. Telling the whole truth.