love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
People have been checking in on me over the past few weeks wondering how I’m doing. Truthfully, I’m all over the place—excited, sad, nervous, grateful, and uncertain. I’m also angry. Very angry.
Now, to the ordinary observer, I’m anything but angry. Hell, I’ve even lied to myself and have almost convinced myself that I’m a bastion of peace, kumbaya, and all sorts of metaphysical bliss like that. The truth has a way of seeping in. The anger comes when I find myself recalling certain events, replaying words and ugliness, and connecting dots between moments in the past. The venom I feel and the fresh pain that comes with it lets me know I’m very much in the midst of real anger.
Here’s the rub. I wouldn’t consider myself an angry person. Remember the guy in Anger Management who was in deep denial about his anger? That’s me. I take pride that I can be the bigger person at times and see the silver lining. I’m starting to realize that perhaps I truly am angry and that failure to acknowledge it is doing myself a disservice. I don’t think it’ll do any good to break things, spew nastiness, and curse out the people who have truly hurt me in unimaginable ways. But I have to figure out how to give light to this feeling so that it doesn’t continue to poison my present, and so that I can eventually get to the place of forgiveness for my OWN healing.
I imagine that a series of posts will come from these musings about anger and forgiveness, and as always I am not claiming to have it all figured out. What I do know is that I’m not the only one that has felt like this, and maybe we’ll all come out of this better.
In the meantime, check out this pastor’s spin on F You