l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

love, life, and the pursuit of liberation

Metamorphosis

When I decided to end my marriage, I had no idea what kind of change it would bring. Sure it would bring the obvious changes—new home, new city, new job, new type of parenting. But the life-altering, soul-defining stuff, I thought that only came with one’s formative years. Supposedly, by the time you’re thirty-four, you’re supposed to know what you stand for, who you believe in, what habits you should develop, and what vices you’re supposed to avoid.

I wish I could use one of those memory erasers like in Men in Black and delete that false notion.

Instead, I sit in this new, old city faced with decisions and choices that at times feel overwhelming. How am I supposed to spend my free time now that there’s no four-year old to bathe, feed, entertain, and guide? What exactly is self-care and how do I prioritize it? What is my style—what kind of clothes should I buy and how should I decorate my apartment? What do I eat for dinner since no one will really know if I have a balanced meal?

This is such a strange place to be in with clearly more questions than answers. Many days I sit in traffic and try to breathe through the sudden bouts of guilt and fear and nostalgia. One moment, I’ll be “woman, hear me roar” and then I’ll pass by a street or store that reminds me of old times and different circumstances and  unsuccessfully fight back tears. Lately, I’ve been reminding myself that the past is the past, and it does no good to judge it as good or bad nor wonder about couldas and shouldas. I’ve been pulling myself back to the present and anchoring myself in the hope of the future. I remind myself that God has blessed me infinitely and the universe has unfolded the more I remain true to myself and committed to integrity. I’m not yet at the point where I can say I have more good days than hard days, but I can say that more of my day is productive and clear than overwhelming.

 

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6 comments on “Metamorphosis

  1. Felix J
    May 22, 2013

    Granted, those life-altering, soul-defining changes never stop as we grow older… take it from this old bird 😉 The sweet spot is that we are better able to embrace the change and take what we need from the consequences…good and bad. Glad to your days are slowing getting better. Sending hugs and positive vibes your way as you move through this transition.

    Like

  2. southernhon
    May 23, 2013

    It took me until I was in my 40’s to change my life. Ending a marriage is never easy. Hang in there.

    Like

  3. Reflections of Autumn
    May 24, 2013

    For you –

    Like

  4. Pingback: Guest Post: Barefoot in the Grass | l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

  5. Monika
    May 24, 2013

    I so resonate with each sentence of this post.
    Living in similar circumstances these days you are writing what I was thinking the last days.
    One Thing I know for sure.
    You, me and everyone on her path to her true self will not only arrive safe at the desired destination, but also will fall in love with whom she finds there.

    Like

  6. Raji Chacko
    June 11, 2013

    Hey! That’s my painting 🙂

    Like

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This entry was posted on May 22, 2013 by in divorce, how to be your authentic self, recreating life, Uncategorized and tagged .

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