love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
When I decided to end my marriage, I had no idea what kind of change it would bring. Sure it would bring the obvious changes—new home, new city, new job, new type of parenting. But the life-altering, soul-defining stuff, I thought that only came with one’s formative years. Supposedly, by the time you’re thirty-four, you’re supposed to know what you stand for, who you believe in, what habits you should develop, and what vices you’re supposed to avoid.
I wish I could use one of those memory erasers like in Men in Black and delete that false notion.
Instead, I sit in this new, old city faced with decisions and choices that at times feel overwhelming. How am I supposed to spend my free time now that there’s no four-year old to bathe, feed, entertain, and guide? What exactly is self-care and how do I prioritize it? What is my style—what kind of clothes should I buy and how should I decorate my apartment? What do I eat for dinner since no one will really know if I have a balanced meal?
This is such a strange place to be in with clearly more questions than answers. Many days I sit in traffic and try to breathe through the sudden bouts of guilt and fear and nostalgia. One moment, I’ll be “woman, hear me roar” and then I’ll pass by a street or store that reminds me of old times and different circumstances and unsuccessfully fight back tears. Lately, I’ve been reminding myself that the past is the past, and it does no good to judge it as good or bad nor wonder about couldas and shouldas. I’ve been pulling myself back to the present and anchoring myself in the hope of the future. I remind myself that God has blessed me infinitely and the universe has unfolded the more I remain true to myself and committed to integrity. I’m not yet at the point where I can say I have more good days than hard days, but I can say that more of my day is productive and clear than overwhelming.