love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
When I was preparing to write how scary this transition was, I was worried that I wouldn’t make any sense. At times I feel like I’m the last person to know their authentic self, and even I’m surprised that this time last year I couldn’t name my core values. Then this morning, I read this guest writer‘s experience and smiled at the Universe’s confirmation that uncovering our true selves is indeed all part of the human experience.
Barefoot in the Grass
I used to think off my life as one long, continuous path. I walked along at my leisure, passing my milestones as they came—graduating high school, going to college, having children, getting married—on and on, along my narrow, concrete path.
If I look back, I can see the detours I encountered. Forks that caused me to turn right or left. Roundabouts that took me back to places I had been before. Sketchy directions that sent me into territories unknown. But whatever the route, my feet remained on that familiar gray trail.
Along either side of my path, I always visualized darkness. It wasn’t that there was nothing there, I just didn’t have the courage to look.
I would have enjoyed a life of more passion, love, and satisfaction…but I didn’t NEED it…so I remained on my path.
I would have liked to go back to school to get my Masters. But I didn’t NEED to…So why bother?
I would have enjoyed spending more time with my mother while she was alive, but at the time, it didn’t seem necessary…
You get the idea.
My path was smooth and easy to navigate. I simply followed what was laid out before me… even if it was all a facade. Even if at times, it felt like my soul was dying. In the end though, things have a way of coming to the surface no matter how much we try to stifle them.
Now, as I am coming out of a 20-year relationship and marriage, embracing my sexuality, and dealing with the aftermath of my past actions, I find myself at another crossroads. This time I’m taking a moment before choosing a direction.
Who says I have to stay on this damn path?
Suddenly, I can see that what runs alongside and I am breathless. Endless possibilities stretch out like grassy fields. Is that mountains in the distance? An ocean maybe? There is the salty hint of excitement in the air as I place one foot into cool grass. I can spread my arms wide and brace for the stab of heartache from a dagger laced with pleasure. Indulge in love on a level that I never knew existed. Or I can be alone to listen to my own thoughts, forgo a companion for a solitary life of doing whatever the hell I want. Whether these next steps bring joy or agony, they’re mine to take.
So this is what freedom feels like.