l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory

love, life, and the pursuit of liberation

Goodbye

It’s been a long ride these past few months, but the time has come for me to say goodbye.

aaliyah_funeral1

Goodbye to being 34 years old, that is. See, tomorrow is my birthday, and I’ve spent the past few hours thinking about what kind of year it’s been.

I kicked off my 34th year with an amazing birthday party with so many loved ones present. Because hindsight is 20/20, I didn’t know that the party wasn’t a kick-off as much as it was a farewell to the life I knew. Not too long after that night, the silence and fears became deafening. All those feelings, insecurities, and worries that I fought tooth and nail to suppress came to me in audible tones and earth-shaking ways that I could no longer ignore. Instead, these past twelve months served as a giant microscope forcing me to examine each minutia of who I am and hold it up to the light to see if it was real.

Remember that game Operation (I’m dating myself) when you had to carefully and cleverly retrieve the body part lest the board shock you? Yeah, that was my life this past year. I’ve gingerly isolated and extracted the cancerous parts of me. And I’m burying them right now.

  • I’m burying guilt. It’s a wasted emotion that does not. a. thing. to transform my life.
  • I’m burying fear. It has never, ever served me and stands in stark contrast to what God continues to show over and over. On Oprah’s Next Chapter, 50 Cent said, “Either pray or worry, don’t do both.” Think on that.
  • I’m burying playing the game of chess. That’s when I try to imagine how others might feel about my feelings, thoughts, and needs, so I strategize ad nauseam about what to say, if I should speak, etc for fear of how it might impact someone. Now, my only priority is to speak truthfully, with dignity, and with integrity. I cannot shield others from reacting or being accountable.
  • I am burying a closed mouth. If something is bothering me or doesn’t feel right, I voice it judgment-free and seeking understanding.
  • I am burying relationships where I feel I have to suppress parts of myself or my needs because people are only capable of dealing with pieces of me. I’ve spoken up about aspects of relationships that don’t serve me and have asked for clarification or explained my needs. How others respond is on them.
  • I am burying entrusting incapable people with my feelings.
  • I am burying running when I’m afraid. I am committing to being honest and trusting that my truth is enough, and that I’m enough.

So after all this grave digging, I’m sore and in the full throes of healing. It’s a good kind of discomfort though, full of wonder and discovery. I’m so very humbled by what this 35th year will bring.

And yes this means I’m back to writing on a regular basis. Cue Beyonce’s Grown Woman.

 

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9 comments on “Goodbye

  1. poetrystruth
    September 11, 2013

    Happy Birthday…welcome to this new you!

    Like

  2. Beatrice Clay
    September 11, 2013

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! 🙂 The beautiful part is in the throes of discovery and healing indeed. My hope for myself and women like me and YOU is that we do the work, that we get so entrenched in doing the dirty beautiful work of healing ourselves…God gave us that.

    Like

  3. homoparental
    September 12, 2013

    Hi. We’re Julián and Agus, a married gay couple. We have a son together, Martin, and we’ve created Weerlly (www.weerlly.com) in order to provide homoparental families with products to be identified with. We were very sad when we could’nt find then for our son, so we decided to make them ourselves! We wish you like them! We are on http://www.weerlly.com and on facebook (www.facebook.com/weerly). Kisses and love, love, love!
    You can also follow our experiences in http://homoparental.wordpress.com and in http://lafelicidadquecrece.wordpress.com .
    Thanks

    Like

  4. southernhon
    September 12, 2013

    This is amazing. I hope you had a stupendous birthday.

    Like

  5. Davina
    September 13, 2013

    Happy birthday!

    Like

  6. Monika
    September 16, 2013

    Happy Birthday, beautiful! ❤

    May your most heartfelt dreams come true and may you be happy and at peace.

    You are inspiring me to write a goodbye- list for myself.

    I'd never thought that someone so far away could touch me so deeply with her words as you continue to do.

    Like

    • liberationtheory
      September 16, 2013

      My goodbye list is holding me accountable, that’s for sure. I the past couple days I had to push through the desire to run and to avoid a difficult conversation. But with support, I didn’t do it!

      Like

    • liberationtheory
      September 16, 2013

      Thank you for being loyal after all these years.

      Like

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