love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create… Danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are telling ourselves a story and we choose the day that story changes.
– After Earth
This morning I woke up pleased to learn that I’ve lost 3.2 pounds. More than the fact that I’m 3 pounds closer to being able to fit my clothes again, for me that progress symbolizes a step towards loving my body. Don’t get me wrong, no magical number on a scale equates how much I should love my body- I’ve had self-esteem issues whether I was 109 pounds or 143. Instead, my weight loss is a result of caring more about my body and my self.
The truth is that when I was going through those emotional months of being separated, not quite divorced, yet living in the same house as LA’s mom, I ate A LOT partially because I couldn’t sleep well so would need a fourth meal at 10/11 at night, and partially because chocolate (and snacks) became my comfort. It’s crazy because I never considered myself an emotional eater before then but I quickly jumped on that bandwagon with both feet.
Then when I moved to Texas, my eating habits worsened. I was excited to be back with all the southern food that symbolized “home” (my family hails from Louisiana though I was born and raised in Cali). I could get GOOD grits, biscuit, barbecue, and the like ANY TIME I WANTED. And I indulged often. Plus, the fact that I was (am) working non-stop with no child to cook for regularly made fast food way too convenient.
Excuses and reasons aside, it boiled down to not treating my health and body as a priority. Period. This year I want to like myself more, even love myself. And not as an after-thought or if only, or when I have time to. I want to trust that I am beautiful and not need someone else’s words to be my only validation. I want to be confident and secure, so I have to behave that way. That means no more negative self-talk and nutritious, sustaining and loving food. I owe it to myself and it puts me one step closer to loving the woman who I’ve become.