love, life, and the pursuit of liberation
Lots of people questioned, “What happened? What did she do? What did you do?” How could I explain about instinct and destiny and purpose and authenticity and integrity?
With change comes grief. This past year has been one of tremendous grief for me. Though I initiated my divorce, my heart has mourned with what could have been, the pain of the hope that once was, and the remembrance of what used to be. I was tormented for a long time because my soul and spirit knew that the change was necessary but it hurt because it meant I had to unlatch from someone I loved. Lots of people questioned, “What happened? What did she do? What did you do?” How could I explain about instinct and destiny and purpose and authenticity and integrity? How could I knowingly walk into the most pain I’ve ever experienced– more painful than rejection, more painful than infertility, more painful than pregnancy loss– and still be committed to this path without clear light posts? In our days of intelligence and logic, telling someone that I was following my instinct and trusting God to order my steps doesn’t suffice with most.
But I did. I took baby steps first in writing, then in voice, and then in action, and I saw each synchronous moment and opportunity as God’s confirmation.
Still, none of that was without pain and without grief. That mourning was necessary because it taught me to listen and honor the truth of who I am. Even when I couldn’t stand to cry another tear or when I felt the brine of condemnation and bore the cross of guilt, I knew I had to walk through this process and accept it in order to get to the other side.
Sirens are tricky though. Their songs keep you going when you need it the most, but if you’re not careful, that same song will lead you to death.
About 2-3 days later in real life, someone reached out to me in the same exact way it happened in my dream. It felt like a test of sorts.
The other night I had this dream. Dreams are part of my spiritual gifts because many times they and other visions have come true in my waking life. The details of the dream are a bit too personal to share, but it showed me returning to my previous life with a few adjustments and dangling carrots. In my dream, I considered the opportunity but then towards the end, I started screaming that I didn’t want it. I woke up and told a few people because I couldn’t quite get where that dream was leading. My girlfriend said, “You aren’t going to return to your wilderness so don’t worry.” About 2-3 days later in real life, someone reached out to me in the same exact way it happened in my dream. It felt like a test of sorts and I knew that’s all it was, but it was alluring. I left it to God to sort out.
This morning’s sermon revealed to me exactly what I needed to remember. I was brought to my knees as Bishop Jakes preached about Elisha running from the life that was laid out for him in order to pursue his destiny. Today, I was reminded that God has a purpose for me and I need to keep taking those steps forward and not be lured by the siren of yesterday.
“Finding your destiny will always disappoint people who had appointed you to theirs.”
“If your destiny was in the wilderness, God wouldn’t have closed the Red Sea that He parted for you to cross.”
“Familiar is the antithesis to faith. You cannot be who you were and you are at the same time. Revelation will always bring you to separation.”
“You learn in the process what you will need to manage the process.”
Today, I am giving notice that I am done crying about the wilderness. I will stop up my ears to the siren’s song of grief. Going backwards doesn’t allow me to move forward into my destiny where abundance and truth and purpose lie. Today, I sing my grandmother’s song, “Order my steps in your word dear Lord. Lead me, guide me, every day. Send your anointing Father I pray. Order my steps in your word.”