lost
can any of the “other” mothers chime in with help?
i’m feeling really lost about this whole thing and very much like the “dad.” it was a bit sad going to the doctor’s appointment and the ob/gyn (who’s also my doctor too) not even speaking to me. i felt like i had to jump in the conversation to be acknowledged.
i feel like i’m supposed to just bend over backwards to make things comfortable and easy but it still doesnt protect me from being the main one in the line of fire about ANYTHING, even if it has nothing to do with me.
i feel like my opinion or wishes or feelings simply don’t matter about anything and frankly it hurts. i already know what ppl are going to say– it’s the hormones, don’t take it personal, that’s what parenting is, etc etc. so i’m trying my best to just suck it up and deal with it. after all, there’s 35 more weeks left.
i’m supposed to be happy but frankly i’m not.
by the way, 9 days left to testing. yipee (and yes that was meant as sarcastic as possible).
8 comments on “lost”
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l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. theory 
I got nothing other than….(((((HUGS))))
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as the bio mum, i know my dp would comiserate with you on the hormone thing, she was my rock and incredibly understanding about the whole process. two points here though – she practically raised 3 of her sister’s kids before going to college AND our ob-gyn practise included her in every conversation and made her feel like she was in every way the other parent. maybe you need a chat with your ob-gyn?
get used to the hormone ride, it will only get worse…and post partum is not much better once baby has arrived. good luck and much patience.
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I’m a bio mom too, but we have been working through all the ups and downs too. I know that it is important for S and I to have lots of long chats checking in with each other….I sometimes really have to push to get her to talk about her stress and anxiety (because she doesn’t want to give me anything to worry about) but it is so important for both us to still feel that we are in this relationship and parenting adventure together. We are learning to support and nurture each other in new ways and that takes practice and some growing pains. It is also really important for her to have her own supports and connections to rely on so she can vent about my craziness when she needs to.
I would also say talk to your ob-gyn. Luckily our doctor’s office has been wonderfully inclusive.
good luck and (((hugs))).
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As a non-bio mum to be, I feel for you. Forgive me if I’m wrong as I’ve only just started reading your blog, but is it possibly the fact that she’s pg and you’re not (and you want to be) that’s making it all feel a helluva lot worse? I’d imagine that makes feelings more difficult to define – on both parts – and hey, this whole TTC thing isn’t in any way easy to define ANYWAY, so wow. Hugs to you.
As for the hormones, the only real advice I have is to talk and talk and talk some more. And be honest (even if it is ugly, trust me, honestly works) because there isn’t much point pretending otherwise.
Remember there are two of you in this.
Good luck!
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you ladies are so right. it comes down to me having to open my mouth and voice what i’m feeling, and the idea of that petrifies me. i’m so much accustomed to “taking it” and i know i can’t continue doing that. so i’m gonna get my big girl panties on and do something about it.
i love blogging and you guys 🙂
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You’re entitled to your feelings sis so don’t ever beat yourself up for feeling the way you do (this coming from the serial beat myself up person:)
Be open and honest with her and let her know how you’re feeling. And you both are going through this wonderful experience together so even if you do feel left out, you surely aren’t and I know A doesn’t want you to feel as if you are being left out as well. Because of her hormones, she may not be aware if she is making you feel a certain way. Go head and talk it out sis!
love you,
Ang
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Speaking from experience, but from the other side (as the carrying mom)…
1. She’s going to be a freak and she can’t help it. It will be the most frustrating thing ever because you’re going to think “where the he** did this solid, normal woman I loved go?” – she’s there, just awash with hormones. This will also make her feel like a stranger to herself as well. She will be nauseated and need to eat, but not know what to eat, and you will offer her everything you can come up with, and she will just mope and say ‘no’. This is totally obnoxious, but steel yourself, because it – and other situations just like it – are going to come. They are temporary… promise.
2. She is going to cry, inexplicably, with ridiculous frequency. This is her body trying to rid itself of hormones. There may be absolutely nothing wrong, or some dumb little thing may trigger it. Try hard not to take it personally. And if it makes YOU want to cry, do that too (because her crazy behavior is going to stress you out, and stress hormones are bad for you too).
3. I am sure that you are anxious to be pregnant too and I think that both of you may have expected that you would be the first to be so. Remember two things: your chances of getting pregnant doing IUIs with frozen hover around 20% if you’re at peak fertility (that’s 1 in 5 chances!), and that your partner’s getting pregnant on the 2nd try was darn lucky (you can decide if fate mixes in there too if you believe in it). Be kind to yourself: a few months’ difference in age may actually be ideal…?
Her behavior will change significantly when she’s out of the first trimester and you, too, will be less shocked by the fact that wow, we’re having a baby. And then maybe it will be your turn to be hormonal and crazy! For now, it’s obvious that you are being a super, supportive partner in a unique, challenging situation. I wish you lots of patience and don’t forget to breathe…
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I’m a non-bio mom who has wanted to be pregnant since my teens. Since my partner is seven years older, we decided that she would “go first” and that I would wait in the wings.
Even though I was fully included at the OB’s office and L&D, I felt like ‘dad’ sometimes. Even though I wasn’t trying simultaneously, I had a feeling that my process would be more difficult. I still struggle with jealousy about her pregnancy. She’s very fertile (got pregnant on the first and fourth tries), had an easy pregnancy and delivery, and br.st fed for two years like a champ.
I agree with previous posters that it’s crucial to talk things through. I can’t imagine the stress of TTCing simultaenously. You both need to give (and receive) a lot of support from each other.
I wish you the best!
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